An Addendum to Day 7
Upon the sightless couriers of the air,
Shall blow the horrid deed in every eye,
That tears shall drown the wind. I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but only
Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself
And falls on th' other -.
I really do think I've progressed a lot very rapidly in the last two weeks. It's shit to think that J has so many doubts about us -- but where it used to make me wanna throw the towel in and feel miserable for the rest of my life, I just see a challenge. I don't know why, why now, but it keeps me going.
It's still upsetting to think that J holds his friendship with Leigh up as an ideal. Like that's how I should expect to be like in order for J to be happy with me. I'm sorry, baby, but even that didn't work out. It's hard for me not to feel like I have to live up to that when you're going on about comparing how I react to how Leigh or Niamh or Lean or anyone else would react to what you say.
My thing is that, while I think Leigh's a really nice person, I don't always think that she put her emotions out there for J to know about. She's told me that she was every bit as nervous and antsy while talking to you as I have been with you recently. Except that she was smart enough to not let you tune into her insecurities. I, however, have no problem with filling you in on what bugs me. It's my tragic flaw... (See Macbeth and his vaulting ambition.) But in her moment of weakness, as I've evidenced from the chat logs and some of the emails, she can get just as crazy as me. But her fault is every woman's fault, and I can hardly blame her for it. But J, why must you blame me? Why must you forget all that shiteness that ensued between you two and expect me to live up to that? And another thing to note: these things irk you more about me, cos you're in love with me. At least I hope you still are. If you were in love with her, would you have put up with her silliness necessarily?
It also sucks, cos now I'm tiptoeing around certain things, too. I want to say, J, it's not always ME who starts these things, you know? He's oft misinterpreted things and blown them into something that I wasn't even expecting. But to have me tell him this... well, we all know that J would not tolerate such effrontery.
I have to say, I'm really thankful to him nonetheless for giving me a chance to prove myself. And I'd like to think that I'm slowly doing so. And not necessarily by squashing the inner drama queen in me. It's been totally natural over the last few days to just be cute again to each other. Sans ceremony, minus the melodrama. We got back to where we were before. And I'm cherishing every moment of it.
Having a certain new realization suddenly wash over me like that would've shaken me a lot more than it just did a few weeks ago. But all it shows me now is how much harder I have to work. So I am. And I'll beat it. :D
Shall blow the horrid deed in every eye,
That tears shall drown the wind. I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but only
Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself
And falls on th' other -.
I really do think I've progressed a lot very rapidly in the last two weeks. It's shit to think that J has so many doubts about us -- but where it used to make me wanna throw the towel in and feel miserable for the rest of my life, I just see a challenge. I don't know why, why now, but it keeps me going.
It's still upsetting to think that J holds his friendship with Leigh up as an ideal. Like that's how I should expect to be like in order for J to be happy with me. I'm sorry, baby, but even that didn't work out. It's hard for me not to feel like I have to live up to that when you're going on about comparing how I react to how Leigh or Niamh or Lean or anyone else would react to what you say.
My thing is that, while I think Leigh's a really nice person, I don't always think that she put her emotions out there for J to know about. She's told me that she was every bit as nervous and antsy while talking to you as I have been with you recently. Except that she was smart enough to not let you tune into her insecurities. I, however, have no problem with filling you in on what bugs me. It's my tragic flaw... (See Macbeth and his vaulting ambition.) But in her moment of weakness, as I've evidenced from the chat logs and some of the emails, she can get just as crazy as me. But her fault is every woman's fault, and I can hardly blame her for it. But J, why must you blame me? Why must you forget all that shiteness that ensued between you two and expect me to live up to that? And another thing to note: these things irk you more about me, cos you're in love with me. At least I hope you still are. If you were in love with her, would you have put up with her silliness necessarily?
It also sucks, cos now I'm tiptoeing around certain things, too. I want to say, J, it's not always ME who starts these things, you know? He's oft misinterpreted things and blown them into something that I wasn't even expecting. But to have me tell him this... well, we all know that J would not tolerate such effrontery.
I have to say, I'm really thankful to him nonetheless for giving me a chance to prove myself. And I'd like to think that I'm slowly doing so. And not necessarily by squashing the inner drama queen in me. It's been totally natural over the last few days to just be cute again to each other. Sans ceremony, minus the melodrama. We got back to where we were before. And I'm cherishing every moment of it.
Having a certain new realization suddenly wash over me like that would've shaken me a lot more than it just did a few weeks ago. But all it shows me now is how much harder I have to work. So I am. And I'll beat it. :D
posted by mols @ 11:04 PM
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