Day 9, is it?
Well, it was all for nought. I'm eating my words with a bit of HP sauce now.
J broke up with me this morning. He's an arse. I don't deserve this. I've been a great girlfriend, but he doesn't even wanna be arsed to work at making me happy. So fine.
I took it far better than I expected I would. Probably cos I was already relegated to the fact that he would break up with me again. No matter. I will continue to do what I've been doing. And now focus all this making-him-happy energy into making myself happy. I'm a lot stronger than I thought.
It's weird, cos having Leigh there to talk about it with made me feel a lot better. Synchronicity I said earlier right? I was meaning to talk about how I would randomly sit across from someone who was gabbing about the Harry Potter movie; how I ended up working for a Brown grad and bumping into one at work; how the U2 fan works where I was temping; how I sat next to a dude reading Magician's Nephew and had others sitting HP right next to me days earlier. But that's not what I'm thinking about now. It's lucky that Leigh was there, otherwise I might've spun straight out of control. Thanks to her I'm sane for now.
Now the question remains... should I still go to Belfast? Eman wants me there, and I don't think Iain and Jugs would mind. I really would love to be with Eman and Iain again, but this whole thing of having a place to live and the issue of how small my bank account looms over me. Part of the reason it made sense for me to go there was cos I'd end up saving up lots of money from not having to pay rent, thus allowing me to pay my bills. Eman's already offered his floor to me. *wuv* I'm used to sleeping on the floor, so it's no matter to me like. :D I think that if I don't go, I'll end up regretting it. I just don't wanna think that I'll be going there to try to win his heart again. He's already proved to me that he doesn't have the persistence that I need in a relationship. Escape when the going gets tough? Yeah, I wasn't worth the effort. I'll have to curb this feeling of worthlessness now.
Larry and Richie know, but I've told them not to tell my parents. Then they'll say that there's absolutely no reason to go to Belfy. I don't want them to have that extra ammunition to object to it.
After it happened, I listened to Loving the Alien, Fall to Pieces, Like A Stone, and I Am The Highway. And once all those residual crap emotions were drained out of me, I switched on over to Apple of My Eye, Brighter than Sunshine, and Take What's Mine. Now it's time for U2, my saviours. At least I have U2 to look forward to. I'm not going to ruin Jules' thanksgiving, so I won't tell her for a bit.
Surprisingly, I'm fine. I'm not shivering and quaking and having involuntary shudders of revulsion at myself. Now, I can properly externalise it and say that J's a stupid headfuck. I can't stand him right now, and I don't know how I'm going to stay friends with him in the short run. I might be forced to find out if I go there. :S
running to stand still,
mols
J broke up with me this morning. He's an arse. I don't deserve this. I've been a great girlfriend, but he doesn't even wanna be arsed to work at making me happy. So fine.
I took it far better than I expected I would. Probably cos I was already relegated to the fact that he would break up with me again. No matter. I will continue to do what I've been doing. And now focus all this making-him-happy energy into making myself happy. I'm a lot stronger than I thought.
It's weird, cos having Leigh there to talk about it with made me feel a lot better. Synchronicity I said earlier right? I was meaning to talk about how I would randomly sit across from someone who was gabbing about the Harry Potter movie; how I ended up working for a Brown grad and bumping into one at work; how the U2 fan works where I was temping; how I sat next to a dude reading Magician's Nephew and had others sitting HP right next to me days earlier. But that's not what I'm thinking about now. It's lucky that Leigh was there, otherwise I might've spun straight out of control. Thanks to her I'm sane for now.
Now the question remains... should I still go to Belfast? Eman wants me there, and I don't think Iain and Jugs would mind. I really would love to be with Eman and Iain again, but this whole thing of having a place to live and the issue of how small my bank account looms over me. Part of the reason it made sense for me to go there was cos I'd end up saving up lots of money from not having to pay rent, thus allowing me to pay my bills. Eman's already offered his floor to me. *wuv* I'm used to sleeping on the floor, so it's no matter to me like. :D I think that if I don't go, I'll end up regretting it. I just don't wanna think that I'll be going there to try to win his heart again. He's already proved to me that he doesn't have the persistence that I need in a relationship. Escape when the going gets tough? Yeah, I wasn't worth the effort. I'll have to curb this feeling of worthlessness now.
Larry and Richie know, but I've told them not to tell my parents. Then they'll say that there's absolutely no reason to go to Belfy. I don't want them to have that extra ammunition to object to it.
After it happened, I listened to Loving the Alien, Fall to Pieces, Like A Stone, and I Am The Highway. And once all those residual crap emotions were drained out of me, I switched on over to Apple of My Eye, Brighter than Sunshine, and Take What's Mine. Now it's time for U2, my saviours. At least I have U2 to look forward to. I'm not going to ruin Jules' thanksgiving, so I won't tell her for a bit.
Surprisingly, I'm fine. I'm not shivering and quaking and having involuntary shudders of revulsion at myself. Now, I can properly externalise it and say that J's a stupid headfuck. I can't stand him right now, and I don't know how I'm going to stay friends with him in the short run. I might be forced to find out if I go there. :S
running to stand still,
mols
posted by mols @ 10:30 AM
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