Day something-or-other
Sometimes you have to believe in fate. Mostly, cos you need to, inorder to stay sane.
This morning I walked out of my house for work and saw a lifeguard from the Garfield named Janelle. She was the one that helped pull me out of the water when I was drowning during the swim test. Is it a sign? Now that my head's sunk below the water again, I really need someone to toss a life-saver over to me (preferably not one that hits my head as I'm flailing my arms in the pool) and pull me out of this rut. It's probably just me grasping at straws. Then once I got to PSG, I saw a Brown student, who I believe graduated just this May as well. Also desperate to keep his head afloat, probably. Once Stephanie, a staffing specialist I just met, tried to send me home and Alyson saved me and sent me to Wellington, there was another Brown student, standing right behind me as I waited for the security guard to give me my security pass. Funny that. I also emailed a guy from Trocaire to see if I can volunteer once I'm in Belfy, and he, too, don'tchaknowit, had a friend who went to Brown. It's a small world after all.
I suppose it's to be expected, given the proximity of Brown to Boston and how right smack dab in the world of Ivy League-educated investors I am at the moment. But it's odd... You never expect to see SO many of those graduates so often in a city with millions of people residing and working in it.
As for the corporate world, I'm certain it isn't for me. I really loved the atmosphere of EF Education and even of PSG, where everyone is relatively young and super chill. At the financial firms, wheretime literally equals money, they get so pissy when you screw up a teeny bit. And even as a temporary receptionist who's just helping out for the day, they show little tolerance for you when you're not privy to all the details that make the company run. Sorry! I assure you that I'm trying my best!
In any case, the reality of my situation keeps sucker-punching me inthe head. POW! Right in the kisser. I thought I was fine. Crying just a bit at the beginning and being slightly upset at certain times,but otherwise, as cheery as I've ever been. I laugh harder at Family Guy (except last night's episode bit), roll any time Larry makes one of his deadpan and obvious (though coming from Larry -- uberfunny) puns, and dance sillily to 80s and 90s cheesy (hip-)pop. But then you're forced to face it -- whether it's Iain drunkenly consoling you or Niall pitying you for losing the love of your life, you can no longer avoid diving deeper into despair. I'm all right like, but my overall mood sucks booty. Listening to sadmusic tends to bring catharsis, but some words just hit you straightto the heart. The Eagles' "Wasted Time" especially. 'You just loved him far too well...' Hopefully, I can get on with my life and he get on with his, but there's still this lingering hope that we'll get back together once I'm over there. I'm trying to repress it, shirley, but as hurt as I am, I also tend to think that J's confused and *thinks* he's fallen out of love with me when he's really only adjusted to life without me. Then I remind myself that he didn't even think I was worth waiting around for. Then I get angry again, which in my opinion is a far better emotion to deal with than abjection and rejection. At least I can hate him instead of myself.
So when he said that we were wrong, life goes on. How am I dealing? Well, by going on as I've always been, though I feel a little more open to everything, in the hopes that some new experience will lift me out of this minor hell. I'm still knitting, cos I'm already in too deep to give up now. Probably a metaphor for all my future relationships, when I'll be stuck, hanging on for dear life, while the other -- disparaged by my constant comparisons and jealousy -- bails ship. I'm also forcing myself to be more active, and so far, I've failed utterly. In the end, I'm still pretty proud of myself forgetting up in the morning and doing what I must, cos weaker beings could easily lie in bed and sob their hearts out. I, on the other hand, am slightly stronger, putting on a smiley facade in hopes that my mind will follow the lead of the muscles and straighten me up again.
Hopefully, it works.
the nick to your jessica,
mols
This morning I walked out of my house for work and saw a lifeguard from the Garfield named Janelle. She was the one that helped pull me out of the water when I was drowning during the swim test. Is it a sign? Now that my head's sunk below the water again, I really need someone to toss a life-saver over to me (preferably not one that hits my head as I'm flailing my arms in the pool) and pull me out of this rut. It's probably just me grasping at straws. Then once I got to PSG, I saw a Brown student, who I believe graduated just this May as well. Also desperate to keep his head afloat, probably. Once Stephanie, a staffing specialist I just met, tried to send me home and Alyson saved me and sent me to Wellington, there was another Brown student, standing right behind me as I waited for the security guard to give me my security pass. Funny that. I also emailed a guy from Trocaire to see if I can volunteer once I'm in Belfy, and he, too, don'tchaknowit, had a friend who went to Brown. It's a small world after all.
I suppose it's to be expected, given the proximity of Brown to Boston and how right smack dab in the world of Ivy League-educated investors I am at the moment. But it's odd... You never expect to see SO many of those graduates so often in a city with millions of people residing and working in it.
As for the corporate world, I'm certain it isn't for me. I really loved the atmosphere of EF Education and even of PSG, where everyone is relatively young and super chill. At the financial firms, wheretime literally equals money, they get so pissy when you screw up a teeny bit. And even as a temporary receptionist who's just helping out for the day, they show little tolerance for you when you're not privy to all the details that make the company run. Sorry! I assure you that I'm trying my best!
In any case, the reality of my situation keeps sucker-punching me inthe head. POW! Right in the kisser. I thought I was fine. Crying just a bit at the beginning and being slightly upset at certain times,but otherwise, as cheery as I've ever been. I laugh harder at Family Guy (except last night's episode bit), roll any time Larry makes one of his deadpan and obvious (though coming from Larry -- uberfunny) puns, and dance sillily to 80s and 90s cheesy (hip-)pop. But then you're forced to face it -- whether it's Iain drunkenly consoling you or Niall pitying you for losing the love of your life, you can no longer avoid diving deeper into despair. I'm all right like, but my overall mood sucks booty. Listening to sadmusic tends to bring catharsis, but some words just hit you straightto the heart. The Eagles' "Wasted Time" especially. 'You just loved him far too well...' Hopefully, I can get on with my life and he get on with his, but there's still this lingering hope that we'll get back together once I'm over there. I'm trying to repress it, shirley, but as hurt as I am, I also tend to think that J's confused and *thinks* he's fallen out of love with me when he's really only adjusted to life without me. Then I remind myself that he didn't even think I was worth waiting around for. Then I get angry again, which in my opinion is a far better emotion to deal with than abjection and rejection. At least I can hate him instead of myself.
So when he said that we were wrong, life goes on. How am I dealing? Well, by going on as I've always been, though I feel a little more open to everything, in the hopes that some new experience will lift me out of this minor hell. I'm still knitting, cos I'm already in too deep to give up now. Probably a metaphor for all my future relationships, when I'll be stuck, hanging on for dear life, while the other -- disparaged by my constant comparisons and jealousy -- bails ship. I'm also forcing myself to be more active, and so far, I've failed utterly. In the end, I'm still pretty proud of myself forgetting up in the morning and doing what I must, cos weaker beings could easily lie in bed and sob their hearts out. I, on the other hand, am slightly stronger, putting on a smiley facade in hopes that my mind will follow the lead of the muscles and straighten me up again.
Hopefully, it works.
the nick to your jessica,
mols
posted by mols @ 11:34 AM
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