Revelations
I guess all I really needed was Eman's evasion to confirm that J really has moved on. Some hope lingered -- if only from a desire to reel him back in and quickly toss him back in the sea -- but there is very little that keeps me wanting to be with J again.
A proper update is due to the one reader whose attention I have. Ha... and that one reader is the future me, who'll reflect back on all this and wonder, Why in the world did I give such a crap? Making mountains out of molehills is my specialty, you see. :D
Well, here's what's been up since the last time I so graciously made my acquaintance with Blogspot. I took the following week after J broke up with me to heal proper. Didn't speak to him, save for a short email exchange he initiated to see how I was. I thought he was being cordial or at least missing me -- but the email was inspired by guilt, as it turns out. Saturday, when I thought I was pretty over him already and wanted to triple check whether it was ok for me to live at Curzon with them, I found out that he had already moved on with Niamh. After I raged at him for not properly respecting me and the memory of our relationshipo, I found out that he'd actually cheated on me with her -- consequently confirming my insecurities.
I never had a chance. She's cute. She gets his jokes. And best of all, she's only a 3-hr bus ride away, which is what he needs anyway. I flipped, of course, quickly realising that this is what karma had in store for me all along. Poor Patrick... I finally know what he feels like. I shirley didn't deserve this from J -- the biggest of hypocrites, as I see it now -- but life was ready to deliver me one swift kick in the arse for what I did before.
Thankfully, however, there were loads of redeeming moments amidst all this emotional trauma. Realising that there's no way Jules could understand this utter torment, I, dontchaknowit, go to a guy who's never had a proper relationship either. I would've turned to Eman for comfort, but he was completely unintelligible to me earlier -- through no fault of his own, the big ho bag! -- so I went to Iain instead. He didn't have many bits of wisdom to share -- except that our relationship was fucked up from the beginning -- but the act of him listening meant more to me than he can eve rknow. He, who has a super loyal-friend complex, relented that J was in the wrong. He listened to me vent and whine and moan and sob for a good 40 minutes or more with hardly a second thought. Knowing that I'm coming out of this with our friendship intact, even stronger actually, eased a bit of the pain. He kept saying he really wanted to give me a hug, but his voice and his rejection of J's betrayal was just the kind of comfort I needed then.
After calling Jules and leaving Kali a desperate message, I opted to drink the pain away. Against my best logical defences, I quickly gulped down 8 or so shots of Smirnoff. Not the best idea, but it achieved what I desired -- a magnification of my emotions that quickly led to catharsis. After I chucked much of it back up, most of my resentment was purged along with it. I settled down and fell asleep -- though not before alienating Eman on MSN with my drunken babbles and inadvertent threats of self-harm. But he stood by me and consoled me and assured me that everything would be ok. Trite from everyone else -- but an absolute relief from Eman, whose words I take as truth. Redeeming moment #2, that was.
Jonny also took care of me, and, despite what they all say about him, I still think he's sound. What obligation does a boy who has never met me have towards me? None, and that is why I appreciated that bit extra from him.
When I woke up 3 hours later, sobered up but still a bit ill in the tummy, I felt about a thousand times better. Hurt doesn't describe the emotion I was feeling -- I got rid of that by yelling at J and sweeping it aside with the vodka. It was annoyance. The overwhelming emotion was a mild disgust at J -- someone who I used to think I could spend the rest of my life with, who I would NEVER imagine cheating -- and his impatience. I'm sure we could've worked it out if he had given himself and us the chance. But this new revelation keeps bringing more to me to clarify my perspective. The blinders are off -- I'm not all too aware of the jerk J can be.
First of all, he's nto in the least bit mature. Sure, he's learned to take things with a grain of salt like only those wizened by age have learned to do, but I'm realising more and more that we were never on the same plane. I've graduated uni and I'm dawdling, so I have little right to preach. But I look at J, a guy with SO much talent and promise, going idle, and I'm totally disappointed. I contrast him with Eman, and my opinion only gets worse. It's not out of anger from the breakup but anger from seeing him waste all the energy that everyone and he has put into him to get where he is, to who he is now. It's an utter, utter shame.
The worst is knowing that, to him, I wasn't worth the wait. I gave everything to that guy, and he threw it all away in one night. It's easy to fall into a trap of hating yourself and pitying yourself, but if I'm to come out of this a better person, I also have to learn to not internalise it all. Which, obviously, given this whole written blame game, is not a problem for me at the moment.
So it really was a clash of personalities. I never expected me to be just made for another person. What I would treasure more is the person's willingness to compromise to make me happy. He was, once in a while, but when it came right down to it, he didn't have the strength of will that I need in a partner. I'm worth it, guys. Just fucking wait. No patience and little maturity. At least I didn't prolong the torture.
I also think he wants to find reasons to be pissed off at me still. Makes him feel better when he's the one that's not rightly despised. I talked to Niamh a few days after, never once yelling at her, and he got pissed. He obviously doesn't know the type of person I am. I really really hope he doesn't fuck Niamh in the head like he has with other girls. Winding them up at the beginning, in true whirlwind romance-form, and then settling into his comfort zone where the girls end up dying for and acting out for that continued attention.
I'm slaggin him hardcore here, but to be honest, I must not care THAT much if I'm still talking to him. Yeah, still, and soon after that magical revelation. Why? Cos I has some amazing few days straight after. I've got to say J has great timing with his heart-breaking. The next morning, I woke up wicked early to get my bracelet for the U2 GA line. After freezing my toes off and befriending some Simmons girls, I headed home where my creativity and industry just took off. I quickly charcoaled up a funny ass poster of Bono and Edge kissing that I was really proud of. A reminder that anything that comes at me from the outside can't change all the things that I have to offer on the inside. I have this massive well of energy and excitement that rises up to the surface lots of the time and needs only a spark of initiative to light that fire in me. And boy, was i happy and proud of myself. The poster rocked it hardcore, and I'm glad I made it, though it was not well received.
And karma had at me again, as the 8-ball proved correct. After my slate was cleared cos of this extreme role reversal, I was free to accumulate goodness again and collect it at the most opportune time. Yeah, Jules and I got into the ellipse a THIRD time in Boston. 75%? Well, hell, aren't we some of the luckiest fans ever? :D A brilliant concert -- with THREE encores. Just absolutely insane, the energy rife in the ellipse. Nearly knocked my eardrums out tbh.
The next day, we went to the Ritz and got a prime stalking spot along the velvet rope. Not only did Edge come out and sign Jules' vinyl, which is still lamenting the lack of the final autograph to complete the set, but I got Adam to stare straight into my fake green eyes for 3 long rock-star seconds, and I pat Bono several times on his back. Then it all made sense -- there's SO much more ot life than J. Thank God for U2 for proving that to me (yet again). I think now that the best mate that I could ever hope for -- and in the end, will probably NEED -- is another obsessive U2 fan that just gets me, who's not afraid to communicate about anything and everything. Yeah -- THAT's when I'll know I'm meant to be with someone. I'll forget what I see in those tearjerking, diabetic-seizure-inducing romantic comediies, and find my own way to make my lovey-dovey dreams come true.
On a related side note, I got Andy Carr 3 autographs, and now I've got his loyalty. It's sweet that it took me nothing to make him so happy. It's even sweeter to know that I have that ability, and I'm putting it to good use. I rock so hard sometimes. :D Mr. Perella also loved his prezzie from Bono!
On Wednesday, when I thought they might still be around, I walked by the Ritz, said screw it cos of the cold, and shopped in Chinatown instead. Scored the best deal for a short Chinadoll dress for $17, and I look so good in it (after a bit of mending from XXL to make it an XXXL for me, of course :|).
A bit of backtracking is due, cos on Tuesday, I visited the school in the uppiest of moods. I boasted to Szymanski, showed off my new hotness to Perella, and bonded yet again with Barile. I was UNBELIEVABLY happy. But then it all went downhill.
I clean forgot about Jules' bday. I forgot about wishing her it in all the excitement from the previous day. But given that, I never meant to ruin her special day. But I"m not one who can just let things slide so easily (I aspire to Eman's example), and I, against my best intentions, still let it ruin her birthday. I'm a bad friend, I know. I didn't have a card; I didn't have anything to give her, but an undercurrent of resentment she really didn't need that day.
We had a long discussion about it all last night, with Achtung (minus Zoo Station and EBTTRT, natch) on repeat. It denigrated into her being the 'bad friend,' when I'm so obviously the bad friend. I know it's not her fault that she can't talk back about certain things. Why is it not ok for me not to expect her to anymore? I know better now than to go to her with certain kinds of problems -- it's how I am with all my friends. It sounds a bit crap when I say this, but the people in my life tend to fill some kind of niche for me. Jules straddles the lines for lots of niches, but she can never hope to fill all those holes up for me. Neither can anyone else. I have a zillion different facets of myself, and I switch them on and off as I please. Who can hope to appease the recluse I am on Sunday AND the social butterfly I may be on Saturday all the time? No one. Instead of facing such a reality and accepting it, she takes it as an insult.
She thinks I'm subconsciously pushing her away so I miss her less in Ireland, but I'm not the missing-type person, when I have several people filling these niches. How horrible does that make me sound? I don't miss people? Please. Heartless bitch, I must be. True, ain't no one ever gonna be able to match her and my stalking-U2 bond, but I'm the kind of person that's fine with being mostly self-sufficient. I've learned to distance people away to protect myself from the neediness but now no one wants to get within arm's length and see that, by what I must be conveying, that they're dispensable. It's a damn shame that I'm this way and that I have any power to make people feel any less than they are. It'll still never change the fact that I need her in my life. She's my rock, and despite all the bumps and bruising along the way, my life is a zillion times better with her in it.
At the same time, we were discussing our friendship, Eman solidified ours with a long overdue heart-to-heart about relationships in general. Besides confirming that I need to move on (cos J obviously has) and assuring me that I will have so many opportunities to do so (cos the wee man thinks I'm super hot, hehe), he proved to me that no matter what, he'll always be there for me. He's never wronged me once, and he is THE soundest person I've ever known. My hero, really.
Now what lies ahead? Well my trip to Belfy via BHX is confirmed, so that's a foregone conclusion. With 19 days before I'm back in NI again, I need to scramble hardcore to get everything done. And I desperately need to make up for shitting all over Jules' bday. That'll be easy enough, but the hardest part will be moving on ENOUGH that I won't be irked as hell to see Niamh and J together. I've made my peace with Niamh. The biggest challenge will be letting go of the good memories of J and reaffirming that we were never meant to be together. Ever.
A proper update is due to the one reader whose attention I have. Ha... and that one reader is the future me, who'll reflect back on all this and wonder, Why in the world did I give such a crap? Making mountains out of molehills is my specialty, you see. :D
Well, here's what's been up since the last time I so graciously made my acquaintance with Blogspot. I took the following week after J broke up with me to heal proper. Didn't speak to him, save for a short email exchange he initiated to see how I was. I thought he was being cordial or at least missing me -- but the email was inspired by guilt, as it turns out. Saturday, when I thought I was pretty over him already and wanted to triple check whether it was ok for me to live at Curzon with them, I found out that he had already moved on with Niamh. After I raged at him for not properly respecting me and the memory of our relationshipo, I found out that he'd actually cheated on me with her -- consequently confirming my insecurities.
I never had a chance. She's cute. She gets his jokes. And best of all, she's only a 3-hr bus ride away, which is what he needs anyway. I flipped, of course, quickly realising that this is what karma had in store for me all along. Poor Patrick... I finally know what he feels like. I shirley didn't deserve this from J -- the biggest of hypocrites, as I see it now -- but life was ready to deliver me one swift kick in the arse for what I did before.
Thankfully, however, there were loads of redeeming moments amidst all this emotional trauma. Realising that there's no way Jules could understand this utter torment, I, dontchaknowit, go to a guy who's never had a proper relationship either. I would've turned to Eman for comfort, but he was completely unintelligible to me earlier -- through no fault of his own, the big ho bag! -- so I went to Iain instead. He didn't have many bits of wisdom to share -- except that our relationship was fucked up from the beginning -- but the act of him listening meant more to me than he can eve rknow. He, who has a super loyal-friend complex, relented that J was in the wrong. He listened to me vent and whine and moan and sob for a good 40 minutes or more with hardly a second thought. Knowing that I'm coming out of this with our friendship intact, even stronger actually, eased a bit of the pain. He kept saying he really wanted to give me a hug, but his voice and his rejection of J's betrayal was just the kind of comfort I needed then.
After calling Jules and leaving Kali a desperate message, I opted to drink the pain away. Against my best logical defences, I quickly gulped down 8 or so shots of Smirnoff. Not the best idea, but it achieved what I desired -- a magnification of my emotions that quickly led to catharsis. After I chucked much of it back up, most of my resentment was purged along with it. I settled down and fell asleep -- though not before alienating Eman on MSN with my drunken babbles and inadvertent threats of self-harm. But he stood by me and consoled me and assured me that everything would be ok. Trite from everyone else -- but an absolute relief from Eman, whose words I take as truth. Redeeming moment #2, that was.
Jonny also took care of me, and, despite what they all say about him, I still think he's sound. What obligation does a boy who has never met me have towards me? None, and that is why I appreciated that bit extra from him.
When I woke up 3 hours later, sobered up but still a bit ill in the tummy, I felt about a thousand times better. Hurt doesn't describe the emotion I was feeling -- I got rid of that by yelling at J and sweeping it aside with the vodka. It was annoyance. The overwhelming emotion was a mild disgust at J -- someone who I used to think I could spend the rest of my life with, who I would NEVER imagine cheating -- and his impatience. I'm sure we could've worked it out if he had given himself and us the chance. But this new revelation keeps bringing more to me to clarify my perspective. The blinders are off -- I'm not all too aware of the jerk J can be.
First of all, he's nto in the least bit mature. Sure, he's learned to take things with a grain of salt like only those wizened by age have learned to do, but I'm realising more and more that we were never on the same plane. I've graduated uni and I'm dawdling, so I have little right to preach. But I look at J, a guy with SO much talent and promise, going idle, and I'm totally disappointed. I contrast him with Eman, and my opinion only gets worse. It's not out of anger from the breakup but anger from seeing him waste all the energy that everyone and he has put into him to get where he is, to who he is now. It's an utter, utter shame.
The worst is knowing that, to him, I wasn't worth the wait. I gave everything to that guy, and he threw it all away in one night. It's easy to fall into a trap of hating yourself and pitying yourself, but if I'm to come out of this a better person, I also have to learn to not internalise it all. Which, obviously, given this whole written blame game, is not a problem for me at the moment.
So it really was a clash of personalities. I never expected me to be just made for another person. What I would treasure more is the person's willingness to compromise to make me happy. He was, once in a while, but when it came right down to it, he didn't have the strength of will that I need in a partner. I'm worth it, guys. Just fucking wait. No patience and little maturity. At least I didn't prolong the torture.
I also think he wants to find reasons to be pissed off at me still. Makes him feel better when he's the one that's not rightly despised. I talked to Niamh a few days after, never once yelling at her, and he got pissed. He obviously doesn't know the type of person I am. I really really hope he doesn't fuck Niamh in the head like he has with other girls. Winding them up at the beginning, in true whirlwind romance-form, and then settling into his comfort zone where the girls end up dying for and acting out for that continued attention.
I'm slaggin him hardcore here, but to be honest, I must not care THAT much if I'm still talking to him. Yeah, still, and soon after that magical revelation. Why? Cos I has some amazing few days straight after. I've got to say J has great timing with his heart-breaking. The next morning, I woke up wicked early to get my bracelet for the U2 GA line. After freezing my toes off and befriending some Simmons girls, I headed home where my creativity and industry just took off. I quickly charcoaled up a funny ass poster of Bono and Edge kissing that I was really proud of. A reminder that anything that comes at me from the outside can't change all the things that I have to offer on the inside. I have this massive well of energy and excitement that rises up to the surface lots of the time and needs only a spark of initiative to light that fire in me. And boy, was i happy and proud of myself. The poster rocked it hardcore, and I'm glad I made it, though it was not well received.
And karma had at me again, as the 8-ball proved correct. After my slate was cleared cos of this extreme role reversal, I was free to accumulate goodness again and collect it at the most opportune time. Yeah, Jules and I got into the ellipse a THIRD time in Boston. 75%? Well, hell, aren't we some of the luckiest fans ever? :D A brilliant concert -- with THREE encores. Just absolutely insane, the energy rife in the ellipse. Nearly knocked my eardrums out tbh.
The next day, we went to the Ritz and got a prime stalking spot along the velvet rope. Not only did Edge come out and sign Jules' vinyl, which is still lamenting the lack of the final autograph to complete the set, but I got Adam to stare straight into my fake green eyes for 3 long rock-star seconds, and I pat Bono several times on his back. Then it all made sense -- there's SO much more ot life than J. Thank God for U2 for proving that to me (yet again). I think now that the best mate that I could ever hope for -- and in the end, will probably NEED -- is another obsessive U2 fan that just gets me, who's not afraid to communicate about anything and everything. Yeah -- THAT's when I'll know I'm meant to be with someone. I'll forget what I see in those tearjerking, diabetic-seizure-inducing romantic comediies, and find my own way to make my lovey-dovey dreams come true.
On a related side note, I got Andy Carr 3 autographs, and now I've got his loyalty. It's sweet that it took me nothing to make him so happy. It's even sweeter to know that I have that ability, and I'm putting it to good use. I rock so hard sometimes. :D Mr. Perella also loved his prezzie from Bono!
On Wednesday, when I thought they might still be around, I walked by the Ritz, said screw it cos of the cold, and shopped in Chinatown instead. Scored the best deal for a short Chinadoll dress for $17, and I look so good in it (after a bit of mending from XXL to make it an XXXL for me, of course :|).
A bit of backtracking is due, cos on Tuesday, I visited the school in the uppiest of moods. I boasted to Szymanski, showed off my new hotness to Perella, and bonded yet again with Barile. I was UNBELIEVABLY happy. But then it all went downhill.
I clean forgot about Jules' bday. I forgot about wishing her it in all the excitement from the previous day. But given that, I never meant to ruin her special day. But I"m not one who can just let things slide so easily (I aspire to Eman's example), and I, against my best intentions, still let it ruin her birthday. I'm a bad friend, I know. I didn't have a card; I didn't have anything to give her, but an undercurrent of resentment she really didn't need that day.
We had a long discussion about it all last night, with Achtung (minus Zoo Station and EBTTRT, natch) on repeat. It denigrated into her being the 'bad friend,' when I'm so obviously the bad friend. I know it's not her fault that she can't talk back about certain things. Why is it not ok for me not to expect her to anymore? I know better now than to go to her with certain kinds of problems -- it's how I am with all my friends. It sounds a bit crap when I say this, but the people in my life tend to fill some kind of niche for me. Jules straddles the lines for lots of niches, but she can never hope to fill all those holes up for me. Neither can anyone else. I have a zillion different facets of myself, and I switch them on and off as I please. Who can hope to appease the recluse I am on Sunday AND the social butterfly I may be on Saturday all the time? No one. Instead of facing such a reality and accepting it, she takes it as an insult.
She thinks I'm subconsciously pushing her away so I miss her less in Ireland, but I'm not the missing-type person, when I have several people filling these niches. How horrible does that make me sound? I don't miss people? Please. Heartless bitch, I must be. True, ain't no one ever gonna be able to match her and my stalking-U2 bond, but I'm the kind of person that's fine with being mostly self-sufficient. I've learned to distance people away to protect myself from the neediness but now no one wants to get within arm's length and see that, by what I must be conveying, that they're dispensable. It's a damn shame that I'm this way and that I have any power to make people feel any less than they are. It'll still never change the fact that I need her in my life. She's my rock, and despite all the bumps and bruising along the way, my life is a zillion times better with her in it.
At the same time, we were discussing our friendship, Eman solidified ours with a long overdue heart-to-heart about relationships in general. Besides confirming that I need to move on (cos J obviously has) and assuring me that I will have so many opportunities to do so (cos the wee man thinks I'm super hot, hehe), he proved to me that no matter what, he'll always be there for me. He's never wronged me once, and he is THE soundest person I've ever known. My hero, really.
Now what lies ahead? Well my trip to Belfy via BHX is confirmed, so that's a foregone conclusion. With 19 days before I'm back in NI again, I need to scramble hardcore to get everything done. And I desperately need to make up for shitting all over Jules' bday. That'll be easy enough, but the hardest part will be moving on ENOUGH that I won't be irked as hell to see Niamh and J together. I've made my peace with Niamh. The biggest challenge will be letting go of the good memories of J and reaffirming that we were never meant to be together. Ever.
posted by mols @ 7:18 PM
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