Better luck next time

A few days ago, J told me he's no longer seeing Niamh. Whatev.

I didn't get the message right away. I was too busy ignoring him, cos he'd previously whipped me into a fury by slagging my taste in Oasis and accusing me of liking certain songs just to be different. (You don't know me at all, J...) I didn't bother responding to it. So when he randomly told me it was over, I was in prime position not to give a crap. Which, surprisingly, I didn't.

I think it was the way he went about it. He thought I'd be happy to hear about it, but I honestly just felt guilt and disappointment. First of all, I never wanted to get in anyone's way while I am there. She expects that we'll fight -- and she, according to J, is not a confrontation person. And I am? Why does she expect me to rage at her? If I haven't done so already, why would she think I'd do it now? I confront ideas and issues, not people. I'm so not the throw-it-down, let's-take-it-outside, dueling-type person. But again, whatev. I only ever worried about getting in Eman and Claire's way tbh.

And disappointed, why? I should be happy, right? I'm actually really irked by J's treatment of women -- as if they can be dispensed of at his will. Yeah, maybe their undoing was initiated by Niamh, but I find it slightly offensive that he could be arsed to try harder to keep it going -- a repeat of our own relationship in a way. He said that she didn't want to deal with me and that he didn't want to deal with Dublin. J, grow up. Sometimes, you're going to have to work for the things you care about most. In the end, your lack of effort makes me, maybe Niamh as well, feel like we don't matter that much.

It was also just so much easier believing that J ditched me for something substantial. That was obviously not the case. Was our relationship so dead in its tracks that he needed ANY excuse -- and one that pulled him off the moral high ground he held so dear! -- to give us a reason to be over? It makes me nauseous.

I've lost so much respect for J recently. It's so sad. And it's weird to have this highly inflammatory entry juxtaposed against the wistful and romantic nostalgia of the last one. What happened? Am I completely out of love for him now? It's all new to me.

Hehe, probably cos I'm mad fer P again. It's so funny how our relationship functions. Jules and I went on a wee version of an Irish pub crawl, and it ruled. (I've never had so much fun on a non-U2 night with Jules, though the one with Matt Murphy's comes close.) We spent most of the evening talking about how much we love certain people, and Barile and Perella (as well as Eman) were at the top of our list. Jules finally told me that when she visited him to give him the Bono pic, a day after I had dropped by, he randomly said: "Molee's changed..." lol! I giggled like a giddy schoolgirl when she said this and kept probing into the circumstances of such a random statement. Apparently, it was within the context of how everyone else seems to have stayed the same. It's so cute for him to notice but SO strange for him to relate that to Jules.

I was already swooning over him again cos of his funnily-titled emails with super-sketch subjects ("And I'm feeling Minnesota, oh yeah..."). I relistened to his mixes and convinced myself again that he wants my hot Asian (and now legal) bod -- even though I'm sure he's only in it for the ego boost. His shadily sexy mix (with the Barry White song that still makes me blush every time I hear it) could have been a duplicate he made for Andy -- who knows? Ha, it's not as if I ever expect this go anywhere, but it'd do my self-esteem a world of good, knowing that my first love (omg so cheesy!) finally has a crush on me too! :D So good. For his children's sake, I would never try to get involved with P in that scandalous way... though if a few years down the road, he's already chosen not to be with her, I'll drop everything I'm doing to be by his side. How pathetic. :(

I sent Patrick a bday present earlier last week but he's made no attempt to thank me, nor has he even bothered to tell me his new mobile number. Effed up a bit, ain't it? I know he wants me to repent, and I am trying to make it up in my own little ways, but this unidirectionality is complete shite. I think I might be done with him. :-/

Yesterday, I went out to get some stuff to make people presents. Before I left, I called Freddie, and he made me so unbelievably happy. He's the cutest little man with the sweetest Norn Aron accent ever. Too bad he'll never be my daddy-by-law anymore. :( But anyway, taking full advantage of this kick of creativity, I worked all night on one of Jules' presents, and Eman's is nearly done. I, usually critical of my own crafty endeavours, am quite pleased with the results, so I'm hoping they love them too.

All in all, I'm really happy and in wonderful spirits. I got so excited to hear NSync's Xmas album at Building #19, and now I've gotta watch Charlie Brown Christmas. This excitement's taking hold, and the only place I have to go is up. Yay! I love my life. :D