Over and done

I took off my Claddagh ring a few hours ago. It's not like J gave it to me or anything, but it's still a painful reminder of how I'm back to being single again.

You'd think the way I talk about being single, I'd think it was the AIDS or something. No, it's not the worst thing ever. I'm not going to die from it, no. But what I've wanted more than anything for as long as I've been a living, breathing, conscious human being in this world is a loving, passionate, stable relationship. It's what I thrive most on, and its pursuit will probably bring death by broken heart. Bah.

I instinctively put on the Claddagh, heart-in on Thursday and Friday. I still want someone to be in love with me. Fuck it if it can't be J, but I refuse to return back to Patrick. It's true; I missed him a bit when J's and my future got super iffy, cos I never had to worry about where Patrick's heart was. But our relationship was worse than Katrina... Lots of emotional wreckage from a whirlwind of emotions.

I also welled up a bit at work a few hours ago. I, being bored out of my mind and finding myself no longer able to concentrate on the Bell Jar, opted to browse ThinkPotter. Stupid stupid Molee! But how was I to know that I'd find a post of J, declaring his singledom for all the female TP-ers (and Eman) to know as a semi-serious invitation to pursue the nude? It's a big and unexpected slap in the face to see him so happy to be without me again. Now I rue the day when I decided to ruin our pre-existing friendship by being with him. I'm not a big person. I want him as miserable as I am right now.

The final straw. :(

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

mols

Day something-or-other

Sometimes you have to believe in fate. Mostly, cos you need to, inorder to stay sane.

This morning I walked out of my house for work and saw a lifeguard from the Garfield named Janelle. She was the one that helped pull me out of the water when I was drowning during the swim test. Is it a sign? Now that my head's sunk below the water again, I really need someone to toss a life-saver over to me (preferably not one that hits my head as I'm flailing my arms in the pool) and pull me out of this rut. It's probably just me grasping at straws. Then once I got to PSG, I saw a Brown student, who I believe graduated just this May as well. Also desperate to keep his head afloat, probably. Once Stephanie, a staffing specialist I just met, tried to send me home and Alyson saved me and sent me to Wellington, there was another Brown student, standing right behind me as I waited for the security guard to give me my security pass. Funny that. I also emailed a guy from Trocaire to see if I can volunteer once I'm in Belfy, and he, too, don'tchaknowit, had a friend who went to Brown. It's a small world after all.

I suppose it's to be expected, given the proximity of Brown to Boston and how right smack dab in the world of Ivy League-educated investors I am at the moment. But it's odd... You never expect to see SO many of those graduates so often in a city with millions of people residing and working in it.

As for the corporate world, I'm certain it isn't for me. I really loved the atmosphere of EF Education and even of PSG, where everyone is relatively young and super chill. At the financial firms, wheretime literally equals money, they get so pissy when you screw up a teeny bit. And even as a temporary receptionist who's just helping out for the day, they show little tolerance for you when you're not privy to all the details that make the company run. Sorry! I assure you that I'm trying my best!

In any case, the reality of my situation keeps sucker-punching me inthe head. POW! Right in the kisser. I thought I was fine. Crying just a bit at the beginning and being slightly upset at certain times,but otherwise, as cheery as I've ever been. I laugh harder at Family Guy (except last night's episode bit), roll any time Larry makes one of his deadpan and obvious (though coming from Larry -- uberfunny) puns, and dance sillily to 80s and 90s cheesy (hip-)pop. But then you're forced to face it -- whether it's Iain drunkenly consoling you or Niall pitying you for losing the love of your life, you can no longer avoid diving deeper into despair. I'm all right like, but my overall mood sucks booty. Listening to sadmusic tends to bring catharsis, but some words just hit you straightto the heart. The Eagles' "Wasted Time" especially. 'You just loved him far too well...' Hopefully, I can get on with my life and he get on with his, but there's still this lingering hope that we'll get back together once I'm over there. I'm trying to repress it, shirley, but as hurt as I am, I also tend to think that J's confused and *thinks* he's fallen out of love with me when he's really only adjusted to life without me. Then I remind myself that he didn't even think I was worth waiting around for. Then I get angry again, which in my opinion is a far better emotion to deal with than abjection and rejection. At least I can hate him instead of myself.

So when he said that we were wrong, life goes on. How am I dealing? Well, by going on as I've always been, though I feel a little more open to everything, in the hopes that some new experience will lift me out of this minor hell. I'm still knitting, cos I'm already in too deep to give up now. Probably a metaphor for all my future relationships, when I'll be stuck, hanging on for dear life, while the other -- disparaged by my constant comparisons and jealousy -- bails ship. I'm also forcing myself to be more active, and so far, I've failed utterly. In the end, I'm still pretty proud of myself forgetting up in the morning and doing what I must, cos weaker beings could easily lie in bed and sob their hearts out. I, on the other hand, am slightly stronger, putting on a smiley facade in hopes that my mind will follow the lead of the muscles and straighten me up again.

Hopefully, it works.

the nick to your jessica,
mols

Day 9, is it?

Well, it was all for nought. I'm eating my words with a bit of HP sauce now.

J broke up with me this morning. He's an arse. I don't deserve this. I've been a great girlfriend, but he doesn't even wanna be arsed to work at making me happy. So fine.

I took it far better than I expected I would. Probably cos I was already relegated to the fact that he would break up with me again. No matter. I will continue to do what I've been doing. And now focus all this making-him-happy energy into making myself happy. I'm a lot stronger than I thought.

It's weird, cos having Leigh there to talk about it with made me feel a lot better. Synchronicity I said earlier right? I was meaning to talk about how I would randomly sit across from someone who was gabbing about the Harry Potter movie; how I ended up working for a Brown grad and bumping into one at work; how the U2 fan works where I was temping; how I sat next to a dude reading Magician's Nephew and had others sitting HP right next to me days earlier. But that's not what I'm thinking about now. It's lucky that Leigh was there, otherwise I might've spun straight out of control. Thanks to her I'm sane for now.

Now the question remains... should I still go to Belfast? Eman wants me there, and I don't think Iain and Jugs would mind. I really would love to be with Eman and Iain again, but this whole thing of having a place to live and the issue of how small my bank account looms over me. Part of the reason it made sense for me to go there was cos I'd end up saving up lots of money from not having to pay rent, thus allowing me to pay my bills. Eman's already offered his floor to me. *wuv* I'm used to sleeping on the floor, so it's no matter to me like. :D I think that if I don't go, I'll end up regretting it. I just don't wanna think that I'll be going there to try to win his heart again. He's already proved to me that he doesn't have the persistence that I need in a relationship. Escape when the going gets tough? Yeah, I wasn't worth the effort. I'll have to curb this feeling of worthlessness now.

Larry and Richie know, but I've told them not to tell my parents. Then they'll say that there's absolutely no reason to go to Belfy. I don't want them to have that extra ammunition to object to it.

After it happened, I listened to Loving the Alien, Fall to Pieces, Like A Stone, and I Am The Highway. And once all those residual crap emotions were drained out of me, I switched on over to Apple of My Eye, Brighter than Sunshine, and Take What's Mine. Now it's time for U2, my saviours. At least I have U2 to look forward to. I'm not going to ruin Jules' thanksgiving, so I won't tell her for a bit.

Surprisingly, I'm fine. I'm not shivering and quaking and having involuntary shudders of revulsion at myself. Now, I can properly externalise it and say that J's a stupid headfuck. I can't stand him right now, and I don't know how I'm going to stay friends with him in the short run. I might be forced to find out if I go there. :S

running to stand still,
mols

Note to self

And a reminder to myself to talk about synchronicity... how all these coincidences must all come together to tell you something...

An Addendum to Day 7

Upon the sightless couriers of the air,
Shall blow the horrid deed in every eye,
That tears shall drown the wind. I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but only
Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself
And falls on th' other -.

I really do think I've progressed a lot very rapidly in the last two weeks. It's shit to think that J has so many doubts about us -- but where it used to make me wanna throw the towel in and feel miserable for the rest of my life, I just see a challenge. I don't know why, why now, but it keeps me going.

It's still upsetting to think that J holds his friendship with Leigh up as an ideal. Like that's how I should expect to be like in order for J to be happy with me. I'm sorry, baby, but even that didn't work out. It's hard for me not to feel like I have to live up to that when you're going on about comparing how I react to how Leigh or Niamh or Lean or anyone else would react to what you say.

My thing is that, while I think Leigh's a really nice person, I don't always think that she put her emotions out there for J to know about. She's told me that she was every bit as nervous and antsy while talking to you as I have been with you recently. Except that she was smart enough to not let you tune into her insecurities. I, however, have no problem with filling you in on what bugs me. It's my tragic flaw... (See Macbeth and his vaulting ambition.) But in her moment of weakness, as I've evidenced from the chat logs and some of the emails, she can get just as crazy as me. But her fault is every woman's fault, and I can hardly blame her for it. But J, why must you blame me? Why must you forget all that shiteness that ensued between you two and expect me to live up to that? And another thing to note: these things irk you more about me, cos you're in love with me. At least I hope you still are. If you were in love with her, would you have put up with her silliness necessarily?

It also sucks, cos now I'm tiptoeing around certain things, too. I want to say, J, it's not always ME who starts these things, you know? He's oft misinterpreted things and blown them into something that I wasn't even expecting. But to have me tell him this... well, we all know that J would not tolerate such effrontery.

I have to say, I'm really thankful to him nonetheless for giving me a chance to prove myself. And I'd like to think that I'm slowly doing so. And not necessarily by squashing the inner drama queen in me. It's been totally natural over the last few days to just be cute again to each other. Sans ceremony, minus the melodrama. We got back to where we were before. And I'm cherishing every moment of it.

Having a certain new realization suddenly wash over me like that would've shaken me a lot more than it just did a few weeks ago. But all it shows me now is how much harder I have to work. So I am. And I'll beat it. :D

Day 7-8

What can I say? I'm totally astounded.

I just got off the phone a few minutes ago with someone calling from MGH, who claims that I owe $640, cos THEY never sent in the claim to the insurance company. What?! They said it was some time in July 2001, which is right after I graduated and before me mum got laid off (therefore I MUST have had insurance). I expect I must've been getting meningitis shots or something, but this is just absurd. Why do *I* have to pay for your fucking mistakes, MGH?! Why?! I just asked them to send me the bill, so I can see it right in front of my eyes and later tell them to piss the fuck off. I'm really angry, cos that's more than 2 weeks wages and a 1/3 of what I've saved up.

Yesterday was a good day. I didn't feel like going in to work, so I didn't. Ahh GWP. Instead, me mum and I went out shopping, cos I needed to return shit at Target... but I just ended up buying more stuff. Woe is my bank account. Once I got home, Larry and I set off to watch Harry Potter (I for the second time), but not before Larry managed to confirm my geekdom to Tuxedo Mask. Bah!

This morning looked hopeful... until J decided to be an arse. :D It's so not fair. I mention that I miss Patrick once, and J's like, 'OMG tact!' But it's ok for him to say that he misses Grace in a non-platonic way and that Grace sent him a sexy forward and signed off immediately afterward. He wants to get away with everything, and for the most part, I don't know who bothers to challenge him. Why do I? Cos I can't stand the arrogance of it. Actually, as I'm reading the chat log, it looks like we passed over that issue pretty quickly, and soon moved on to me being a slut, cos I had crushes on lots of people. (Yet it's ok for him to snog at least 40 girls in his life... By his rationale, do *our* kisses mean anything then?) We both somehow find a way to move onto the next subject, but subsequent conversation fodder still involves a riling of teh molee. Is he testing my patience? My love for him? Cos apparently, the fact that I often haven't been able to deal with it means that it's not fate. In a way, it's self-fulfilling, stupid self-fulfilling sluthead J. :D He once told me that I was the first gf he had that he didn't feel superior to. And tbh, I think that might be what he needs: a girl that he feels like he's leaps and bounds better than.

What it ends up being is that both of us keep testing our love for each other constantly. I push him to do certain things and waits to see if he does it. If he does, he loves me muchly, right? *shakes head vigorously* He throws jokes at me and sees how many I can knock out of the park. If I don't get the joke or let it slide right off me, then therefore we're not meant to be. It's the biggest and catchiest of 22s I've ever seen. Darnit if I didn't love him so much, I'd never be able to deal with this. Damnit if my fragile heart wasn't so putty in his palms, we'd never have gotten this far. But I love the brute and I will put up with most things in order to continue to be as happy as I have been otherwise. I'm still expecting him to break up with me at some point... and him to regret his decision, cos I am teh awesome and teh yum. :D

Now I'm working on a project for him -- censoured in case you're reading this, J! -- and I'm nowhere close. Bah! Oh yeah, also of note, as I walked out of EF Education's elevator, I bump into a Brown grad (my year I think even), and when I try to have a quiet lunch all to myself by going to the floor above me, I bump into the wee chubby woman who walked up to the Bono decoy-decoy and told him off. She looked so freaked out when I approached her... :D Whoo and yay for having the courage to freak people out and not giving a shit. :D

the edge to your bono,
mols

Day 6

I haven't much to report today. For much of the day, I was doing little errand-y stuff. Washing clothes, downloading stuff I'd been meaning to, read about Ireland this morning, and knitted like mad. I think I've decided on making a celtic scarf for J, largely cos I have this giant roll of white yarn on hand. :D J's on this weird sleep schedule anyway, so our waking times don't intersect much anymore.

I realised that this experiment has been SO worth it. It's made me concentrate on myself far more than I have in the last few months. Actually, I've still been doing projects for J, but it's nice to spend some time away from him on the computer. When we finally talk again, it's completely stressfree. Like yesterday morning, I modelled my hot new purple panties to him, and he said he had butterflies in his stomach at that moment. Realising you miss me then, baby? Awww. He also got my card with Sid and Nancy on it and said he laughed out loud at it. :*) I love him so much, and I miss him more than ever. Can't wait to see him! :D

the kurt to your courtney,
mols

Day 4 Recap - Day 5

So yesterday, J was asleep all day. You wouldn't think it'd be hard to avoid him, right? Well, leave it to me to leave lots of messages on his computer. :D Oh wells, it doesn't really count as talking. I CAN'T DO IT COLD TURKEY, YANO?!! ;)

Anyway, I went to work yesterday, and cos I said I had an appointment straight after work, so they couldn't send me off to do GWP stuff. What I did notice though was that they didn't even bother to send a guy to do receptionist work. That's fucked up, tbh. In any case, I'm trying really hard to not want to hate them. That woman was such a bitch. I'm thinking of going to EventTemps instead, if they pay you so much money for the event. The posting on Craigstlist says it's upwards of $12 /hr. That would be so great, to make it on a constant basis instead of this shifty, will i get 9$ or $10 or $13 today... *sigh* Money shouldn't matter, but alas, I just spent $60+ after they sent me home. :D I still own though. :D

I also went to Boston with Jules at 3pm like, cos I had nuttin else to do. We went to the library, went around Copley a bit more to find a prezzers for her mum's bday, and then headed off to Chili's for some yummy appetizers. Tbh, I'm not a fan of the buffalo wings. I didn't know buffalo meat was so tough. ;P It's weird, cos I can objectively be like, WOW, our waiter's kinda hot, but not feel a tingling at all down below. The things J does to a girl... gah. :D

Then it was time. Time for the show. On the way to CVS to stock up on snacks, we bumped into a mum and her little child dressed up in Harry's Quidditch robes. She shouted 'Riddikulus!' at us. So funny! I think the mum was a bit creeped out and guarded though. Understandable like, but we're fucking HP fans! :D

When we got to the theatre, there was already a HUGE line for our show, even though we arrived over an hour early. There was a little bit of a tussle cos others just bypassed those who'd been standing in line for ages, and I was like, Fuck it, let's go Jules. So we got some good seats high up to the right. Nice view. I was so anxious, so every time there was another preview, I just gasped.

In any case, the film ended up being NOT as great as I expected. It got amazing reviews, but having just read the book, I could too easily pick apart the plotholes. Oh wells. I'll try to see it again with a different POV.

This morning, I talked to J for a good two hours and had a nice wank. Twas quite good. I like talking to him and leaving him wanting more. We have a nice laugh and never get a chance to fight. It's working out really well, I think. :D Yay for this experiment and this blog to keep me going! :D

the ron to your hermione,
mols

Day 3-4

Haha, so I would've written this entry last night, BUT I went out with Kales and drank a Sam Adams. Yeah ONE Sam Adams from the tap, and I got soooo tired. The Cactus Club and their appetizers were amazing tbh, and so was Alex's friend, Girl X. Her name totally escapes me at the moment... I missed something -- Lost, maybe? -- and just passed right out in front of the TV. My god, if I ever have insomnia, then I know what my remedy'll be.

So I didn't talk to J last night, even though I ranted fervently about how I hated Richie for being on the computer too much while he was AFK. Last night, cos I was downloading something and therefore taking bandwidth away from him, he got pissed and asked me to stop downloading EVEN THOUGH he'd been online at least 5 hours before. So when I nodded off on the sofa, he took the opportunity to disconnect my ethernet cable from the router. WTF like? Grrrrr, that pissed me off soooooo much and I'm not quite sure why. Probably that he was so unapologetic about it, methinks.

I talked to him for a bit this morning, and guess what? The experiment appears to be working a bit. He said that he gets so bored when I'm not online. Whoo. And what's even better is that it's pushed him to be productive. He went out to the JobCentre and bought a broom to sweep up their nasty backyard. :D I'm so proud of him.

I'm actually typing this out at PSG right now and talking to him at the same time on Meebo. I think if I'm somewhat busy as well, like I am as I write this blog, then I couldn't be bothered about whether he's surfing forums as well and not paying attention to me. But I have to remind myself that it's not just about NOT causing fights; it's about making him miss me, too. It's nice cos when I finally do catch him online, it's a sweet 10-minute fair of cute jibber-jabber. I miss him loads. And I retract my statement about losing interest. I think I almost just prepared myself for this not to work. I suppose I need as much time away from him as he does from me.

I'm gonna have to find some gyms that have free trials and just go to them until I leave for Belfast. Wanna be hot for my J. :D Meanwhile, I'm drinking myself into lardosity. Not that I have a beer belly or anything yet, but that's what I foresee happening if I keep drinking a bottle a night and fall asleep right away. Bah! I'm gonna invent me a no-calorie, good-tasting beer one of these days. Then I shall be the rich and the saviour of drunken dieters everywhere. Muahahahaha!

Anyway, I shall probably be reporting back on today, once I get back home. That is, unless I drink another Rolling Rock and pass out.

peace out,
mols

Day 2

This is Day 2 of my little labour of love, in case you didn't know from the title of this post. Yup, the one RIGHT above this last sentence^^. Dunno who I'm actually addressing, cos no one knows about this blog, but it's more fun to think that there's a rapt audience, hanging on my every witty word.

So I managed not to talk to him all night last night, but I, the weakling that I am, gave in this morning, as soon as I got the chance to rant about Bill O'Reilly's little expose on Brown's SPG party. Bah! It was only through Gmail though, so that means it's only the slightest of failures? :D Through it all, he admitted that he's a bit of a xenophobe. Shocker! Not being sarky there; I'm actually quite surprised (and disappointed) to know that he's not such a fan of diversity, when I've become the person I am cos of it. There wasn't much of a chance to probe into why, before he shifted the attention to someone else's flaws, as per usual, and called me a 'DIRTY LIBERAL!' :D

Work was a bit shite today, but I managed to bump into another Brown grad, who ended up being my boss for the day. Gah! Not that I have any pride, but it was odd, being given instruction from a girl who's just a year older than you. Oh, her awful awful laugh too... It's nice and hearty like, but once you hear it too much, you're ready to crack open the Canon and take a few swigs of toner. Copying shit all day means I can't wait to come home and just fuck around.

When I got off the train, I went, on a whim, into the local off licence, and it turns out that NO ONE has, in a very very long time, inquired about cider. FUCKING CIDER. Are they mad? wtf like? Tis the best! Hopefully, they'll start to carry some just for me. :D But seeing as I've only been there TWICE (and I'm Asian), they probably couldn't give a crap. So after pacing back and forth in their teeny space, I opted for a 6pack of Rolling Rock. I mean, if I'm not gonna talk to J, it's fair that I can still remind myself of him, right? :D Right now I've drunk half a bottle and it's already doing my head in. Thankfully, I carbed up with me mum's wonderful pasghetti and yummy oyster-flavoured sauce. Sounds sick, right? Well, you ain't tasted it... It's so goooood!

Tbh, all this drama with him is making me lose a bit of interest. He says that I try to pick fights with him, but often ALL I'm trying to do is to be open and share my feelings. Seriously, don't punish me for that, ho bag. He realised that he was causing the drama for once and backtracked. :P I would just like to know if this is just a phase or if it's bound to continue like this. I have all the hope in the world, and I have no problem making mistakes, but I hatehatehate iffiness. It's the uncertainty and the unknown that I despise most. I love him dearly, but I'm even willing to admit now that things just cannot continue like this. :( I don't want to tell him, cos even though *I'm* willing to go there and see for myself, he'll be a lazy bastard and end it now, so he won't have to deal with it later. Gah! Boys... Wish I was a lesbian... or a jerk. :D

Now I'm screening versions of "You'll Never Walk Alone" to figure out which to put on a mix for J. I can't get myself into books, and drinking has made me even less tolerable toward non-Harry Potter-related literature at the moment. :D I need to buckle down and start making J's prezzie or else he's in for severe disappointment. :(

Ahh well, it's time for me to return to... erm, whatever I was doing, cos I totally don't remember. Fucking alcohol. :D

the jesus to your mary,
mols

Day 1

This is day one of my experiment.

I want to wean myself off a certain man. That is, not to fall out of love with him. Not to distance myself necessarily. I'm just trying to not be obsessive. Yes, can you imagine?... It's positively my best trait, but I must stifle it, in order to make this thing work. By keeping him at arm's length, I intend to make us closer, to give him a chance to miss me, to put all this -- US -- back into perspective. I imagine he's probably surfing on his Celtic forums and hasnt even noticed that I'm not there. Bah! One day he'll learn! :D

So what are my plans to distract myself from him? Well, it's 6:57pm, and I got home from work about an hour and a half ago, and I still haven't gone on MSN! \o/ Pretty proud of myself, tbh. Small steps, Molee, small steps. I plan on reading lots. Yoga-ing lots. Drawing lots. Wanking lots, shirley. :D

I've also been emailing people loads. I used to be hyper-social... I'm just putting myself back into that space again, where I could talk to anyone and I *would* talk to everyone. It's a good feeling to know that these people haven't forgotten you, even if you'd temporarily misplaced your friendship under the sofa cushions with all the change that fell outta yer pocket. Anyway, I spoke to Amy for an hour last night and bored her to death with the details of my love life and friend life, if it can be called that. :D She's so wonderful... I miss her muchly, but she's having a wonderful life down in NY, so I'm super happy for her.

Alas, I'm off to stretch my hamstrings and contort my body into unnatural positions. Catch you on the flip side!

wuv,
me