Thy art so fickle

He never fails to confuse me.

So yeah, he told he'd stopped seeing Niamh. Now he's backtracking and saying that he's not seeing her "much." Whatev like. But it's not fair that he gets to have something "really really good," while I'm all alone. I could be fine and I will be fine, but I just need a man. Seriously like. And like now. I don't necessarily care about the intimacy; I'm just so ridiculously horny that I even caved in for a quick moment when Niall tried to seduce me online. Bah! At least I have some willpower not to go any further.

He said it'd be weird that he's seeing someone else, but what happens if I find someone in Belfast as well? Could he handle seeing me smooch the guy right in front of him? I suspect not, given that he was jealous of Kipp with Leigh when they weren't even together. I'd like to think I'd have enough tact to not do that crap in front of him, but given that Belfast itself has been a no-holds-barred arena for me (and Jules apparently!), I can only hope that I will be able to restrain myself. But again, I have quite the self-control skills. Only time I ever let my guard down when I shouldn't have is with J, though something good did come out of it eventually.

I think J likes to keep women on a leash. Like even though Leigh wasn't his, he still got upset about her being with Kipp (though he masqueraded the hurt as a I'm-just-pissed-cos-they-felt-they-had-to-hide-it-from-me dealie). He likes to keep his options open... and in the process, he's not letting the girls move on.

On another note, add Grace to the short list of people I hate. At the top is Robert, cos he's just a bad and fake person, but Grace is pretty evil in my eyes, too. So absolutely immature, I can't even fathom how Lorcan's gonna turn out. The poor child, being raised by another child. Lord knows if Paddy knew what he was getting himself into before this all happened. Bless their hearts, cos they'll need all the luck they can get in dealing with Grace.

Better luck next time

A few days ago, J told me he's no longer seeing Niamh. Whatev.

I didn't get the message right away. I was too busy ignoring him, cos he'd previously whipped me into a fury by slagging my taste in Oasis and accusing me of liking certain songs just to be different. (You don't know me at all, J...) I didn't bother responding to it. So when he randomly told me it was over, I was in prime position not to give a crap. Which, surprisingly, I didn't.

I think it was the way he went about it. He thought I'd be happy to hear about it, but I honestly just felt guilt and disappointment. First of all, I never wanted to get in anyone's way while I am there. She expects that we'll fight -- and she, according to J, is not a confrontation person. And I am? Why does she expect me to rage at her? If I haven't done so already, why would she think I'd do it now? I confront ideas and issues, not people. I'm so not the throw-it-down, let's-take-it-outside, dueling-type person. But again, whatev. I only ever worried about getting in Eman and Claire's way tbh.

And disappointed, why? I should be happy, right? I'm actually really irked by J's treatment of women -- as if they can be dispensed of at his will. Yeah, maybe their undoing was initiated by Niamh, but I find it slightly offensive that he could be arsed to try harder to keep it going -- a repeat of our own relationship in a way. He said that she didn't want to deal with me and that he didn't want to deal with Dublin. J, grow up. Sometimes, you're going to have to work for the things you care about most. In the end, your lack of effort makes me, maybe Niamh as well, feel like we don't matter that much.

It was also just so much easier believing that J ditched me for something substantial. That was obviously not the case. Was our relationship so dead in its tracks that he needed ANY excuse -- and one that pulled him off the moral high ground he held so dear! -- to give us a reason to be over? It makes me nauseous.

I've lost so much respect for J recently. It's so sad. And it's weird to have this highly inflammatory entry juxtaposed against the wistful and romantic nostalgia of the last one. What happened? Am I completely out of love for him now? It's all new to me.

Hehe, probably cos I'm mad fer P again. It's so funny how our relationship functions. Jules and I went on a wee version of an Irish pub crawl, and it ruled. (I've never had so much fun on a non-U2 night with Jules, though the one with Matt Murphy's comes close.) We spent most of the evening talking about how much we love certain people, and Barile and Perella (as well as Eman) were at the top of our list. Jules finally told me that when she visited him to give him the Bono pic, a day after I had dropped by, he randomly said: "Molee's changed..." lol! I giggled like a giddy schoolgirl when she said this and kept probing into the circumstances of such a random statement. Apparently, it was within the context of how everyone else seems to have stayed the same. It's so cute for him to notice but SO strange for him to relate that to Jules.

I was already swooning over him again cos of his funnily-titled emails with super-sketch subjects ("And I'm feeling Minnesota, oh yeah..."). I relistened to his mixes and convinced myself again that he wants my hot Asian (and now legal) bod -- even though I'm sure he's only in it for the ego boost. His shadily sexy mix (with the Barry White song that still makes me blush every time I hear it) could have been a duplicate he made for Andy -- who knows? Ha, it's not as if I ever expect this go anywhere, but it'd do my self-esteem a world of good, knowing that my first love (omg so cheesy!) finally has a crush on me too! :D So good. For his children's sake, I would never try to get involved with P in that scandalous way... though if a few years down the road, he's already chosen not to be with her, I'll drop everything I'm doing to be by his side. How pathetic. :(

I sent Patrick a bday present earlier last week but he's made no attempt to thank me, nor has he even bothered to tell me his new mobile number. Effed up a bit, ain't it? I know he wants me to repent, and I am trying to make it up in my own little ways, but this unidirectionality is complete shite. I think I might be done with him. :-/

Yesterday, I went out to get some stuff to make people presents. Before I left, I called Freddie, and he made me so unbelievably happy. He's the cutest little man with the sweetest Norn Aron accent ever. Too bad he'll never be my daddy-by-law anymore. :( But anyway, taking full advantage of this kick of creativity, I worked all night on one of Jules' presents, and Eman's is nearly done. I, usually critical of my own crafty endeavours, am quite pleased with the results, so I'm hoping they love them too.

All in all, I'm really happy and in wonderful spirits. I got so excited to hear NSync's Xmas album at Building #19, and now I've gotta watch Charlie Brown Christmas. This excitement's taking hold, and the only place I have to go is up. Yay! I love my life. :D

And I deserve a little more...

So many days ago, I told Eman that I regretted ever getting into a relationship with J. I thought that I would've preferred keeping our friendship on a strictly platonic but sexually tense level, so that J would never have had a chance to piss all over the memory of us like this.

I'm slowly starting to give in though. Not necessarily cos of anything J's recently done himself -- since he still finds ways to get upset at me -- but because of what's happened thereafter with my other friendships. I hadn't a clue that Iain cared THAT much about me, that he could be arsed to hear me like that. (But again, he's also one of the nicest and most cordial people I know, so I may not have been a special case.)

Jules is also being incredibly supportive, reassuring me that I deserve better. (Which I do!) We had one of the best nights in a really long time last night, as we spent the day shopping and at Matt Murphy's, just discussing everything under the sun. And one of our favourite topics was just how much we love Eman.

What I'm most grateful for out of all this is that I've never felt closer to Eman. If there's anyone in this world that can make you feel wanted and appreciated, it's him. I wondered whether it was a mix of alcohol, a convenient absence of anyone else to chat with, and a newfound empathy from having been in my position before that got us delving into the deepest of philosophical miscellany. Still, it may just be that I've always been so preoccupied with J that I'm only now allowing this friendship to flourish as it should. Imagine loving someone SO much -- without the slightest hint of sexual attraction to confound the relationship (though he's obv super hot) -- and desperately wanting to keep that smile on his/her face, and you might understand just the teeniest bit how much I adore that boy. It's almost a maternal emotion, with this fierce desire to protect him with all that it takes. I'm not quite sure what all these feelings are rooted in, but I can tell you that it's been magnified a million times over, after what transpired between J and me.

As for salvaging the memory of the relationship between J and me, I figure it's worth a shot. But what I fear most from doing this is realising that I'm still madly in love with him. Cos as it stands, I'm thinking back to all that talk about emotional vs. sexual jealousy and how, had he not fallen out of love with me and in whatever-he-calls-it with her, I would've taken him back in a second. Shitty, huh? Ms. B and Jules have already warned me against it, and Eman keeps reassuring me that I deserve better. But if I'm honest, I've never had better, and, at one point and for a long time, he had me on top of the world.

So why do I want to do this? To dredge up old, happy memories to torture myself some more? Well, two reasons: (1) Cos I have to live with him for the next 4 months and I'd prefer not to hate him, and (2) If he's truly sorry about what he did (which it still doesn't sound like at this point), then we, as friends, deserve another chance that requires me remembering that we did share some kind of bond before it all shattered. Here it goes:

1.) Reading HBP to each other in Botanic Garden. We laid on the grass (getting my new Primark shirt dirty!) and alternated reading to each other until we realised neither of us was paying attention to the other. Me giggling randomly what I realised that passersby probably thought J was reading to me cos I couldn't read English!

2.) That first night when we were actually together. I got off the bus and snogged him straightaway. I'm usually pretty PDA-resistant, but all I could think about was being in his arms again and having his lips on mine. You know those cringeworthy, melodramatic moments in the films when the two lovers run toward each other in slow-mo after a long separation? Yeah, it was like that. But real... and the most wonderful I"ve ever felt in my life.

And then I felt it again and again and again. We got to the stoop of Rugby Ave, and J couldn't keep his hands off me or his mouth off my skin. We ventured inside and finished what we'd started the week before. It's like having all your muscles and emotions in synergy with each other, but you're about to burst from frustration, because all you have are these lovely little movements to explain what your words can't even touch. I was in love, and I already knew it then.

Then we laid in bed basically for the rest of the night without a care in the world. I knew J was feeling what I was feeling -- J: "I hate when people throw the L-word around, but..." M: *smirks* "But what...?" -- but the actual words took til the next day to slip through my lips and cement the serendipitousness of us, coming together... like this.

3.) Meeting his family for the first time. Let's face it; I'm crap at making good first impressions, cos I'm always so self-conscious. But that time, in the hospital in Derry, the only thing I was concerned about was if J was ok. I'd have been damned if I let J see anything but hope inside the situation (see: making wishes on purposely plucked eyelashes and the owningest Dumbledore figurine ever), but J's strong and, in the end, didn't seem to need me much at all. I did my best, and I think his family recognised that (including his aunt Caroline who only adores me cos of the crafty ventriloquism J pulled). I remember seeing Bernie on the hospital bed and me adjusting her oxygen mask. J looked at me and pouted with his puppy dog eyes, frustrated at how utterly unfair it all was.

And then it was ok. The direness of the situation died down, and we went to Omagh to visit her again. I met Louise for the first time, and Bernie farted. A lot! Freddy, never to be outdone, joined in on the action, and I was relegated to stifling my laughing fits on J's shoulder.

Despite these tragic circumstances, we still had our bit of fun. Teaching J how to Su Doku, conversations in the canteen with Simy, and some (completely inappropriate) hospital hanky-panky to relieve the tension... It's always nice to stand by your man when he needs it most.

4.) Taking care of J when he was sick. All of a sudden, his immune system collapsed, and I got to play Ms. Nightingale again. I remember him asking me how many tablets to take -- trusting me with his health -- and him slurping the chicken soup as he was bedridden between the orange sheets. What sticks in my head most is when I tried to cook him a proper Ulster fry. He walked into the kitchen, and my attempt at making him happy reduced his vocabulary singularly to "Awww"s. All those times I felt unappreciated by Patrick -- well J could've shown him how it's done.

5.) Gasp! The realisation that I'm semi-smart. We were laying in bed one night talking, when J made a reference to something exploding. I referenced Vesuvius, and he cooed unexpectedly. I, baffled, lay there while he pulled me close and huggled me, impressed by my one-off Wikipedic moment. (See also my mention of Hearts being at the top of the league.)

6.) All those late and way-too-long conversations at the Chinese interweb cafe talking to J, including the token moment when he opted to embarrass me and showed his wang on webcam. So many nights when I had to be away, we spent together anyway. It was the kind of love where we couldn't bear to be apart any longer than we had to.

7.) One night on Castlefin Road. We stayed up way too late one night -- my last night in the Derg, I think -- and goofed a bit about. J cooked a midnight curry, and I, acting as the human trash compactor, slopped off the last bits. Talking at 2am when everyone else was asleep... It was so nice. We were in a silly little mood, and J giggled over and over at my super unscary face. We decided to take a shower in that wee stall of theirs. Cramped and uberclose, we had some golden moments, as J muffled his laugh when I tried again to contort my face into an expression of intimidation.

8.) Two souls entwined... The final day that I left Belfy, J and I lay in bed holding each other... silent. That is, until both of us randomly said "I wish..." at the exact same time. I don't even remember how each of us finished our sentences, but I do remember thinking, as we giggled together, that we were made for each other. Our relationship was insane, but we were in sync. That's why I rather approach this breakup with denial and false bravado than to let him know that I regret ever letting him get away. I should never have left.

9.) That video I made of him the last day I was there. The whole time I was with Patrick, he never bothered to learn a single word of Khmer. J mastered 4 phrases. As I captured a clip of J's silky sweet lilt, saying "Don't do that," "Stop," and "Oh crap, the frog leaps," I fell in love with him all over again. Which was unfortunate, given how I was leaving that day.

10.) Talking to Leigh that first time in the chat. I'm not usually that funny, but I drained the bank account that day from my reserves of wit. J did his :*) thing, actually proud of the impression I made. I surprised myself with how I could be so casual with someone I once viewed with such jealousy and enmity. Thank god I made my peace with her.

11.) The long bus ride to Omagh, when we chatted about the inconsequential and the philosophical. Have you ever felt so comfortable you felt like you could say anything to that person without fear of judgment? That's how we were. Fucking shit that I don't have that any more and that J won't bother to confide in me again.

12.) Scrabble. Only geriatrics find fun in rearranging lettered tiles, right? Not when you play with J and Iain. Along with Iain's ROFLcopter-y "Kabblah" verbal snafu, J induced loads of belly laughs with his invented vocabulary. I remember sitting there, watching him with his forehead muscles tense and his bottom lip pouting outward and never finding him cuter. He was always so adorable when he was concentrating hard.

13.) That lump-in-my-throat, knot-in-my-tummy kind of missingness. I tend to be the type of person who doesn't miss people much. But when I made th permanent move to Curzon and J wasn't there, I literally ached for him. Headed back from the Derg, as soon as he rounded the corner onto Curzon, I ran out the front door and pounced. Why I felt the need to attack him with kisses is beyond me. Ask the stupid little cupid that set this whole tragedy in motion.

At this end of this all, I'm finding that I only love him more than I should and hate him more than I would. We had our fair share of shittiness, but none of that could compare to the joy I felt when our hearts finally collided. He threw all of that way, cos he couldn't handle the distance. :( When he broke up with me, he said, "It's not about you." I know. The blame falls squarely on your shoulders, J.

And now, I see Niamh's and his relationship headed for the same trajectory. For her sake, I hope it turns out all right. Even as karma conspired with our crappy pasts to kick me right in the bum, I still remember what Eman said the night before I left: "I've never seen him as happy as he is when he's with you." Bah. Fuck it all again.

To be continued... maybe. :(

Revelations

I guess all I really needed was Eman's evasion to confirm that J really has moved on. Some hope lingered -- if only from a desire to reel him back in and quickly toss him back in the sea -- but there is very little that keeps me wanting to be with J again.

A proper update is due to the one reader whose attention I have. Ha... and that one reader is the future me, who'll reflect back on all this and wonder, Why in the world did I give such a crap? Making mountains out of molehills is my specialty, you see. :D

Well, here's what's been up since the last time I so graciously made my acquaintance with Blogspot. I took the following week after J broke up with me to heal proper. Didn't speak to him, save for a short email exchange he initiated to see how I was. I thought he was being cordial or at least missing me -- but the email was inspired by guilt, as it turns out. Saturday, when I thought I was pretty over him already and wanted to triple check whether it was ok for me to live at Curzon with them, I found out that he had already moved on with Niamh. After I raged at him for not properly respecting me and the memory of our relationshipo, I found out that he'd actually cheated on me with her -- consequently confirming my insecurities.

I never had a chance. She's cute. She gets his jokes. And best of all, she's only a 3-hr bus ride away, which is what he needs anyway. I flipped, of course, quickly realising that this is what karma had in store for me all along. Poor Patrick... I finally know what he feels like. I shirley didn't deserve this from J -- the biggest of hypocrites, as I see it now -- but life was ready to deliver me one swift kick in the arse for what I did before.

Thankfully, however, there were loads of redeeming moments amidst all this emotional trauma. Realising that there's no way Jules could understand this utter torment, I, dontchaknowit, go to a guy who's never had a proper relationship either. I would've turned to Eman for comfort, but he was completely unintelligible to me earlier -- through no fault of his own, the big ho bag! -- so I went to Iain instead. He didn't have many bits of wisdom to share -- except that our relationship was fucked up from the beginning -- but the act of him listening meant more to me than he can eve rknow. He, who has a super loyal-friend complex, relented that J was in the wrong. He listened to me vent and whine and moan and sob for a good 40 minutes or more with hardly a second thought. Knowing that I'm coming out of this with our friendship intact, even stronger actually, eased a bit of the pain. He kept saying he really wanted to give me a hug, but his voice and his rejection of J's betrayal was just the kind of comfort I needed then.

After calling Jules and leaving Kali a desperate message, I opted to drink the pain away. Against my best logical defences, I quickly gulped down 8 or so shots of Smirnoff. Not the best idea, but it achieved what I desired -- a magnification of my emotions that quickly led to catharsis. After I chucked much of it back up, most of my resentment was purged along with it. I settled down and fell asleep -- though not before alienating Eman on MSN with my drunken babbles and inadvertent threats of self-harm. But he stood by me and consoled me and assured me that everything would be ok. Trite from everyone else -- but an absolute relief from Eman, whose words I take as truth. Redeeming moment #2, that was.

Jonny also took care of me, and, despite what they all say about him, I still think he's sound. What obligation does a boy who has never met me have towards me? None, and that is why I appreciated that bit extra from him.

When I woke up 3 hours later, sobered up but still a bit ill in the tummy, I felt about a thousand times better. Hurt doesn't describe the emotion I was feeling -- I got rid of that by yelling at J and sweeping it aside with the vodka. It was annoyance. The overwhelming emotion was a mild disgust at J -- someone who I used to think I could spend the rest of my life with, who I would NEVER imagine cheating -- and his impatience. I'm sure we could've worked it out if he had given himself and us the chance. But this new revelation keeps bringing more to me to clarify my perspective. The blinders are off -- I'm not all too aware of the jerk J can be.

First of all, he's nto in the least bit mature. Sure, he's learned to take things with a grain of salt like only those wizened by age have learned to do, but I'm realising more and more that we were never on the same plane. I've graduated uni and I'm dawdling, so I have little right to preach. But I look at J, a guy with SO much talent and promise, going idle, and I'm totally disappointed. I contrast him with Eman, and my opinion only gets worse. It's not out of anger from the breakup but anger from seeing him waste all the energy that everyone and he has put into him to get where he is, to who he is now. It's an utter, utter shame.

The worst is knowing that, to him, I wasn't worth the wait. I gave everything to that guy, and he threw it all away in one night. It's easy to fall into a trap of hating yourself and pitying yourself, but if I'm to come out of this a better person, I also have to learn to not internalise it all. Which, obviously, given this whole written blame game, is not a problem for me at the moment.

So it really was a clash of personalities. I never expected me to be just made for another person. What I would treasure more is the person's willingness to compromise to make me happy. He was, once in a while, but when it came right down to it, he didn't have the strength of will that I need in a partner. I'm worth it, guys. Just fucking wait. No patience and little maturity. At least I didn't prolong the torture.

I also think he wants to find reasons to be pissed off at me still. Makes him feel better when he's the one that's not rightly despised. I talked to Niamh a few days after, never once yelling at her, and he got pissed. He obviously doesn't know the type of person I am. I really really hope he doesn't fuck Niamh in the head like he has with other girls. Winding them up at the beginning, in true whirlwind romance-form, and then settling into his comfort zone where the girls end up dying for and acting out for that continued attention.

I'm slaggin him hardcore here, but to be honest, I must not care THAT much if I'm still talking to him. Yeah, still, and soon after that magical revelation. Why? Cos I has some amazing few days straight after. I've got to say J has great timing with his heart-breaking. The next morning, I woke up wicked early to get my bracelet for the U2 GA line. After freezing my toes off and befriending some Simmons girls, I headed home where my creativity and industry just took off. I quickly charcoaled up a funny ass poster of Bono and Edge kissing that I was really proud of. A reminder that anything that comes at me from the outside can't change all the things that I have to offer on the inside. I have this massive well of energy and excitement that rises up to the surface lots of the time and needs only a spark of initiative to light that fire in me. And boy, was i happy and proud of myself. The poster rocked it hardcore, and I'm glad I made it, though it was not well received.

And karma had at me again, as the 8-ball proved correct. After my slate was cleared cos of this extreme role reversal, I was free to accumulate goodness again and collect it at the most opportune time. Yeah, Jules and I got into the ellipse a THIRD time in Boston. 75%? Well, hell, aren't we some of the luckiest fans ever? :D A brilliant concert -- with THREE encores. Just absolutely insane, the energy rife in the ellipse. Nearly knocked my eardrums out tbh.

The next day, we went to the Ritz and got a prime stalking spot along the velvet rope. Not only did Edge come out and sign Jules' vinyl, which is still lamenting the lack of the final autograph to complete the set, but I got Adam to stare straight into my fake green eyes for 3 long rock-star seconds, and I pat Bono several times on his back. Then it all made sense -- there's SO much more ot life than J. Thank God for U2 for proving that to me (yet again). I think now that the best mate that I could ever hope for -- and in the end, will probably NEED -- is another obsessive U2 fan that just gets me, who's not afraid to communicate about anything and everything. Yeah -- THAT's when I'll know I'm meant to be with someone. I'll forget what I see in those tearjerking, diabetic-seizure-inducing romantic comediies, and find my own way to make my lovey-dovey dreams come true.

On a related side note, I got Andy Carr 3 autographs, and now I've got his loyalty. It's sweet that it took me nothing to make him so happy. It's even sweeter to know that I have that ability, and I'm putting it to good use. I rock so hard sometimes. :D Mr. Perella also loved his prezzie from Bono!

On Wednesday, when I thought they might still be around, I walked by the Ritz, said screw it cos of the cold, and shopped in Chinatown instead. Scored the best deal for a short Chinadoll dress for $17, and I look so good in it (after a bit of mending from XXL to make it an XXXL for me, of course :|).

A bit of backtracking is due, cos on Tuesday, I visited the school in the uppiest of moods. I boasted to Szymanski, showed off my new hotness to Perella, and bonded yet again with Barile. I was UNBELIEVABLY happy. But then it all went downhill.

I clean forgot about Jules' bday. I forgot about wishing her it in all the excitement from the previous day. But given that, I never meant to ruin her special day. But I"m not one who can just let things slide so easily (I aspire to Eman's example), and I, against my best intentions, still let it ruin her birthday. I'm a bad friend, I know. I didn't have a card; I didn't have anything to give her, but an undercurrent of resentment she really didn't need that day.

We had a long discussion about it all last night, with Achtung (minus Zoo Station and EBTTRT, natch) on repeat. It denigrated into her being the 'bad friend,' when I'm so obviously the bad friend. I know it's not her fault that she can't talk back about certain things. Why is it not ok for me not to expect her to anymore? I know better now than to go to her with certain kinds of problems -- it's how I am with all my friends. It sounds a bit crap when I say this, but the people in my life tend to fill some kind of niche for me. Jules straddles the lines for lots of niches, but she can never hope to fill all those holes up for me. Neither can anyone else. I have a zillion different facets of myself, and I switch them on and off as I please. Who can hope to appease the recluse I am on Sunday AND the social butterfly I may be on Saturday all the time? No one. Instead of facing such a reality and accepting it, she takes it as an insult.

She thinks I'm subconsciously pushing her away so I miss her less in Ireland, but I'm not the missing-type person, when I have several people filling these niches. How horrible does that make me sound? I don't miss people? Please. Heartless bitch, I must be. True, ain't no one ever gonna be able to match her and my stalking-U2 bond, but I'm the kind of person that's fine with being mostly self-sufficient. I've learned to distance people away to protect myself from the neediness but now no one wants to get within arm's length and see that, by what I must be conveying, that they're dispensable. It's a damn shame that I'm this way and that I have any power to make people feel any less than they are. It'll still never change the fact that I need her in my life. She's my rock, and despite all the bumps and bruising along the way, my life is a zillion times better with her in it.

At the same time, we were discussing our friendship, Eman solidified ours with a long overdue heart-to-heart about relationships in general. Besides confirming that I need to move on (cos J obviously has) and assuring me that I will have so many opportunities to do so (cos the wee man thinks I'm super hot, hehe), he proved to me that no matter what, he'll always be there for me. He's never wronged me once, and he is THE soundest person I've ever known. My hero, really.

Now what lies ahead? Well my trip to Belfy via BHX is confirmed, so that's a foregone conclusion. With 19 days before I'm back in NI again, I need to scramble hardcore to get everything done. And I desperately need to make up for shitting all over Jules' bday. That'll be easy enough, but the hardest part will be moving on ENOUGH that I won't be irked as hell to see Niamh and J together. I've made my peace with Niamh. The biggest challenge will be letting go of the good memories of J and reaffirming that we were never meant to be together. Ever.

Over and done

I took off my Claddagh ring a few hours ago. It's not like J gave it to me or anything, but it's still a painful reminder of how I'm back to being single again.

You'd think the way I talk about being single, I'd think it was the AIDS or something. No, it's not the worst thing ever. I'm not going to die from it, no. But what I've wanted more than anything for as long as I've been a living, breathing, conscious human being in this world is a loving, passionate, stable relationship. It's what I thrive most on, and its pursuit will probably bring death by broken heart. Bah.

I instinctively put on the Claddagh, heart-in on Thursday and Friday. I still want someone to be in love with me. Fuck it if it can't be J, but I refuse to return back to Patrick. It's true; I missed him a bit when J's and my future got super iffy, cos I never had to worry about where Patrick's heart was. But our relationship was worse than Katrina... Lots of emotional wreckage from a whirlwind of emotions.

I also welled up a bit at work a few hours ago. I, being bored out of my mind and finding myself no longer able to concentrate on the Bell Jar, opted to browse ThinkPotter. Stupid stupid Molee! But how was I to know that I'd find a post of J, declaring his singledom for all the female TP-ers (and Eman) to know as a semi-serious invitation to pursue the nude? It's a big and unexpected slap in the face to see him so happy to be without me again. Now I rue the day when I decided to ruin our pre-existing friendship by being with him. I'm not a big person. I want him as miserable as I am right now.

The final straw. :(

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

mols

Day something-or-other

Sometimes you have to believe in fate. Mostly, cos you need to, inorder to stay sane.

This morning I walked out of my house for work and saw a lifeguard from the Garfield named Janelle. She was the one that helped pull me out of the water when I was drowning during the swim test. Is it a sign? Now that my head's sunk below the water again, I really need someone to toss a life-saver over to me (preferably not one that hits my head as I'm flailing my arms in the pool) and pull me out of this rut. It's probably just me grasping at straws. Then once I got to PSG, I saw a Brown student, who I believe graduated just this May as well. Also desperate to keep his head afloat, probably. Once Stephanie, a staffing specialist I just met, tried to send me home and Alyson saved me and sent me to Wellington, there was another Brown student, standing right behind me as I waited for the security guard to give me my security pass. Funny that. I also emailed a guy from Trocaire to see if I can volunteer once I'm in Belfy, and he, too, don'tchaknowit, had a friend who went to Brown. It's a small world after all.

I suppose it's to be expected, given the proximity of Brown to Boston and how right smack dab in the world of Ivy League-educated investors I am at the moment. But it's odd... You never expect to see SO many of those graduates so often in a city with millions of people residing and working in it.

As for the corporate world, I'm certain it isn't for me. I really loved the atmosphere of EF Education and even of PSG, where everyone is relatively young and super chill. At the financial firms, wheretime literally equals money, they get so pissy when you screw up a teeny bit. And even as a temporary receptionist who's just helping out for the day, they show little tolerance for you when you're not privy to all the details that make the company run. Sorry! I assure you that I'm trying my best!

In any case, the reality of my situation keeps sucker-punching me inthe head. POW! Right in the kisser. I thought I was fine. Crying just a bit at the beginning and being slightly upset at certain times,but otherwise, as cheery as I've ever been. I laugh harder at Family Guy (except last night's episode bit), roll any time Larry makes one of his deadpan and obvious (though coming from Larry -- uberfunny) puns, and dance sillily to 80s and 90s cheesy (hip-)pop. But then you're forced to face it -- whether it's Iain drunkenly consoling you or Niall pitying you for losing the love of your life, you can no longer avoid diving deeper into despair. I'm all right like, but my overall mood sucks booty. Listening to sadmusic tends to bring catharsis, but some words just hit you straightto the heart. The Eagles' "Wasted Time" especially. 'You just loved him far too well...' Hopefully, I can get on with my life and he get on with his, but there's still this lingering hope that we'll get back together once I'm over there. I'm trying to repress it, shirley, but as hurt as I am, I also tend to think that J's confused and *thinks* he's fallen out of love with me when he's really only adjusted to life without me. Then I remind myself that he didn't even think I was worth waiting around for. Then I get angry again, which in my opinion is a far better emotion to deal with than abjection and rejection. At least I can hate him instead of myself.

So when he said that we were wrong, life goes on. How am I dealing? Well, by going on as I've always been, though I feel a little more open to everything, in the hopes that some new experience will lift me out of this minor hell. I'm still knitting, cos I'm already in too deep to give up now. Probably a metaphor for all my future relationships, when I'll be stuck, hanging on for dear life, while the other -- disparaged by my constant comparisons and jealousy -- bails ship. I'm also forcing myself to be more active, and so far, I've failed utterly. In the end, I'm still pretty proud of myself forgetting up in the morning and doing what I must, cos weaker beings could easily lie in bed and sob their hearts out. I, on the other hand, am slightly stronger, putting on a smiley facade in hopes that my mind will follow the lead of the muscles and straighten me up again.

Hopefully, it works.

the nick to your jessica,
mols

Day 9, is it?

Well, it was all for nought. I'm eating my words with a bit of HP sauce now.

J broke up with me this morning. He's an arse. I don't deserve this. I've been a great girlfriend, but he doesn't even wanna be arsed to work at making me happy. So fine.

I took it far better than I expected I would. Probably cos I was already relegated to the fact that he would break up with me again. No matter. I will continue to do what I've been doing. And now focus all this making-him-happy energy into making myself happy. I'm a lot stronger than I thought.

It's weird, cos having Leigh there to talk about it with made me feel a lot better. Synchronicity I said earlier right? I was meaning to talk about how I would randomly sit across from someone who was gabbing about the Harry Potter movie; how I ended up working for a Brown grad and bumping into one at work; how the U2 fan works where I was temping; how I sat next to a dude reading Magician's Nephew and had others sitting HP right next to me days earlier. But that's not what I'm thinking about now. It's lucky that Leigh was there, otherwise I might've spun straight out of control. Thanks to her I'm sane for now.

Now the question remains... should I still go to Belfast? Eman wants me there, and I don't think Iain and Jugs would mind. I really would love to be with Eman and Iain again, but this whole thing of having a place to live and the issue of how small my bank account looms over me. Part of the reason it made sense for me to go there was cos I'd end up saving up lots of money from not having to pay rent, thus allowing me to pay my bills. Eman's already offered his floor to me. *wuv* I'm used to sleeping on the floor, so it's no matter to me like. :D I think that if I don't go, I'll end up regretting it. I just don't wanna think that I'll be going there to try to win his heart again. He's already proved to me that he doesn't have the persistence that I need in a relationship. Escape when the going gets tough? Yeah, I wasn't worth the effort. I'll have to curb this feeling of worthlessness now.

Larry and Richie know, but I've told them not to tell my parents. Then they'll say that there's absolutely no reason to go to Belfy. I don't want them to have that extra ammunition to object to it.

After it happened, I listened to Loving the Alien, Fall to Pieces, Like A Stone, and I Am The Highway. And once all those residual crap emotions were drained out of me, I switched on over to Apple of My Eye, Brighter than Sunshine, and Take What's Mine. Now it's time for U2, my saviours. At least I have U2 to look forward to. I'm not going to ruin Jules' thanksgiving, so I won't tell her for a bit.

Surprisingly, I'm fine. I'm not shivering and quaking and having involuntary shudders of revulsion at myself. Now, I can properly externalise it and say that J's a stupid headfuck. I can't stand him right now, and I don't know how I'm going to stay friends with him in the short run. I might be forced to find out if I go there. :S

running to stand still,
mols

Note to self

And a reminder to myself to talk about synchronicity... how all these coincidences must all come together to tell you something...

An Addendum to Day 7

Upon the sightless couriers of the air,
Shall blow the horrid deed in every eye,
That tears shall drown the wind. I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but only
Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself
And falls on th' other -.

I really do think I've progressed a lot very rapidly in the last two weeks. It's shit to think that J has so many doubts about us -- but where it used to make me wanna throw the towel in and feel miserable for the rest of my life, I just see a challenge. I don't know why, why now, but it keeps me going.

It's still upsetting to think that J holds his friendship with Leigh up as an ideal. Like that's how I should expect to be like in order for J to be happy with me. I'm sorry, baby, but even that didn't work out. It's hard for me not to feel like I have to live up to that when you're going on about comparing how I react to how Leigh or Niamh or Lean or anyone else would react to what you say.

My thing is that, while I think Leigh's a really nice person, I don't always think that she put her emotions out there for J to know about. She's told me that she was every bit as nervous and antsy while talking to you as I have been with you recently. Except that she was smart enough to not let you tune into her insecurities. I, however, have no problem with filling you in on what bugs me. It's my tragic flaw... (See Macbeth and his vaulting ambition.) But in her moment of weakness, as I've evidenced from the chat logs and some of the emails, she can get just as crazy as me. But her fault is every woman's fault, and I can hardly blame her for it. But J, why must you blame me? Why must you forget all that shiteness that ensued between you two and expect me to live up to that? And another thing to note: these things irk you more about me, cos you're in love with me. At least I hope you still are. If you were in love with her, would you have put up with her silliness necessarily?

It also sucks, cos now I'm tiptoeing around certain things, too. I want to say, J, it's not always ME who starts these things, you know? He's oft misinterpreted things and blown them into something that I wasn't even expecting. But to have me tell him this... well, we all know that J would not tolerate such effrontery.

I have to say, I'm really thankful to him nonetheless for giving me a chance to prove myself. And I'd like to think that I'm slowly doing so. And not necessarily by squashing the inner drama queen in me. It's been totally natural over the last few days to just be cute again to each other. Sans ceremony, minus the melodrama. We got back to where we were before. And I'm cherishing every moment of it.

Having a certain new realization suddenly wash over me like that would've shaken me a lot more than it just did a few weeks ago. But all it shows me now is how much harder I have to work. So I am. And I'll beat it. :D

Day 7-8

What can I say? I'm totally astounded.

I just got off the phone a few minutes ago with someone calling from MGH, who claims that I owe $640, cos THEY never sent in the claim to the insurance company. What?! They said it was some time in July 2001, which is right after I graduated and before me mum got laid off (therefore I MUST have had insurance). I expect I must've been getting meningitis shots or something, but this is just absurd. Why do *I* have to pay for your fucking mistakes, MGH?! Why?! I just asked them to send me the bill, so I can see it right in front of my eyes and later tell them to piss the fuck off. I'm really angry, cos that's more than 2 weeks wages and a 1/3 of what I've saved up.

Yesterday was a good day. I didn't feel like going in to work, so I didn't. Ahh GWP. Instead, me mum and I went out shopping, cos I needed to return shit at Target... but I just ended up buying more stuff. Woe is my bank account. Once I got home, Larry and I set off to watch Harry Potter (I for the second time), but not before Larry managed to confirm my geekdom to Tuxedo Mask. Bah!

This morning looked hopeful... until J decided to be an arse. :D It's so not fair. I mention that I miss Patrick once, and J's like, 'OMG tact!' But it's ok for him to say that he misses Grace in a non-platonic way and that Grace sent him a sexy forward and signed off immediately afterward. He wants to get away with everything, and for the most part, I don't know who bothers to challenge him. Why do I? Cos I can't stand the arrogance of it. Actually, as I'm reading the chat log, it looks like we passed over that issue pretty quickly, and soon moved on to me being a slut, cos I had crushes on lots of people. (Yet it's ok for him to snog at least 40 girls in his life... By his rationale, do *our* kisses mean anything then?) We both somehow find a way to move onto the next subject, but subsequent conversation fodder still involves a riling of teh molee. Is he testing my patience? My love for him? Cos apparently, the fact that I often haven't been able to deal with it means that it's not fate. In a way, it's self-fulfilling, stupid self-fulfilling sluthead J. :D He once told me that I was the first gf he had that he didn't feel superior to. And tbh, I think that might be what he needs: a girl that he feels like he's leaps and bounds better than.

What it ends up being is that both of us keep testing our love for each other constantly. I push him to do certain things and waits to see if he does it. If he does, he loves me muchly, right? *shakes head vigorously* He throws jokes at me and sees how many I can knock out of the park. If I don't get the joke or let it slide right off me, then therefore we're not meant to be. It's the biggest and catchiest of 22s I've ever seen. Darnit if I didn't love him so much, I'd never be able to deal with this. Damnit if my fragile heart wasn't so putty in his palms, we'd never have gotten this far. But I love the brute and I will put up with most things in order to continue to be as happy as I have been otherwise. I'm still expecting him to break up with me at some point... and him to regret his decision, cos I am teh awesome and teh yum. :D

Now I'm working on a project for him -- censoured in case you're reading this, J! -- and I'm nowhere close. Bah! Oh yeah, also of note, as I walked out of EF Education's elevator, I bump into a Brown grad (my year I think even), and when I try to have a quiet lunch all to myself by going to the floor above me, I bump into the wee chubby woman who walked up to the Bono decoy-decoy and told him off. She looked so freaked out when I approached her... :D Whoo and yay for having the courage to freak people out and not giving a shit. :D

the edge to your bono,
mols

Day 6

I haven't much to report today. For much of the day, I was doing little errand-y stuff. Washing clothes, downloading stuff I'd been meaning to, read about Ireland this morning, and knitted like mad. I think I've decided on making a celtic scarf for J, largely cos I have this giant roll of white yarn on hand. :D J's on this weird sleep schedule anyway, so our waking times don't intersect much anymore.

I realised that this experiment has been SO worth it. It's made me concentrate on myself far more than I have in the last few months. Actually, I've still been doing projects for J, but it's nice to spend some time away from him on the computer. When we finally talk again, it's completely stressfree. Like yesterday morning, I modelled my hot new purple panties to him, and he said he had butterflies in his stomach at that moment. Realising you miss me then, baby? Awww. He also got my card with Sid and Nancy on it and said he laughed out loud at it. :*) I love him so much, and I miss him more than ever. Can't wait to see him! :D

the kurt to your courtney,
mols

Day 4 Recap - Day 5

So yesterday, J was asleep all day. You wouldn't think it'd be hard to avoid him, right? Well, leave it to me to leave lots of messages on his computer. :D Oh wells, it doesn't really count as talking. I CAN'T DO IT COLD TURKEY, YANO?!! ;)

Anyway, I went to work yesterday, and cos I said I had an appointment straight after work, so they couldn't send me off to do GWP stuff. What I did notice though was that they didn't even bother to send a guy to do receptionist work. That's fucked up, tbh. In any case, I'm trying really hard to not want to hate them. That woman was such a bitch. I'm thinking of going to EventTemps instead, if they pay you so much money for the event. The posting on Craigstlist says it's upwards of $12 /hr. That would be so great, to make it on a constant basis instead of this shifty, will i get 9$ or $10 or $13 today... *sigh* Money shouldn't matter, but alas, I just spent $60+ after they sent me home. :D I still own though. :D

I also went to Boston with Jules at 3pm like, cos I had nuttin else to do. We went to the library, went around Copley a bit more to find a prezzers for her mum's bday, and then headed off to Chili's for some yummy appetizers. Tbh, I'm not a fan of the buffalo wings. I didn't know buffalo meat was so tough. ;P It's weird, cos I can objectively be like, WOW, our waiter's kinda hot, but not feel a tingling at all down below. The things J does to a girl... gah. :D

Then it was time. Time for the show. On the way to CVS to stock up on snacks, we bumped into a mum and her little child dressed up in Harry's Quidditch robes. She shouted 'Riddikulus!' at us. So funny! I think the mum was a bit creeped out and guarded though. Understandable like, but we're fucking HP fans! :D

When we got to the theatre, there was already a HUGE line for our show, even though we arrived over an hour early. There was a little bit of a tussle cos others just bypassed those who'd been standing in line for ages, and I was like, Fuck it, let's go Jules. So we got some good seats high up to the right. Nice view. I was so anxious, so every time there was another preview, I just gasped.

In any case, the film ended up being NOT as great as I expected. It got amazing reviews, but having just read the book, I could too easily pick apart the plotholes. Oh wells. I'll try to see it again with a different POV.

This morning, I talked to J for a good two hours and had a nice wank. Twas quite good. I like talking to him and leaving him wanting more. We have a nice laugh and never get a chance to fight. It's working out really well, I think. :D Yay for this experiment and this blog to keep me going! :D

the ron to your hermione,
mols

Day 3-4

Haha, so I would've written this entry last night, BUT I went out with Kales and drank a Sam Adams. Yeah ONE Sam Adams from the tap, and I got soooo tired. The Cactus Club and their appetizers were amazing tbh, and so was Alex's friend, Girl X. Her name totally escapes me at the moment... I missed something -- Lost, maybe? -- and just passed right out in front of the TV. My god, if I ever have insomnia, then I know what my remedy'll be.

So I didn't talk to J last night, even though I ranted fervently about how I hated Richie for being on the computer too much while he was AFK. Last night, cos I was downloading something and therefore taking bandwidth away from him, he got pissed and asked me to stop downloading EVEN THOUGH he'd been online at least 5 hours before. So when I nodded off on the sofa, he took the opportunity to disconnect my ethernet cable from the router. WTF like? Grrrrr, that pissed me off soooooo much and I'm not quite sure why. Probably that he was so unapologetic about it, methinks.

I talked to him for a bit this morning, and guess what? The experiment appears to be working a bit. He said that he gets so bored when I'm not online. Whoo. And what's even better is that it's pushed him to be productive. He went out to the JobCentre and bought a broom to sweep up their nasty backyard. :D I'm so proud of him.

I'm actually typing this out at PSG right now and talking to him at the same time on Meebo. I think if I'm somewhat busy as well, like I am as I write this blog, then I couldn't be bothered about whether he's surfing forums as well and not paying attention to me. But I have to remind myself that it's not just about NOT causing fights; it's about making him miss me, too. It's nice cos when I finally do catch him online, it's a sweet 10-minute fair of cute jibber-jabber. I miss him loads. And I retract my statement about losing interest. I think I almost just prepared myself for this not to work. I suppose I need as much time away from him as he does from me.

I'm gonna have to find some gyms that have free trials and just go to them until I leave for Belfast. Wanna be hot for my J. :D Meanwhile, I'm drinking myself into lardosity. Not that I have a beer belly or anything yet, but that's what I foresee happening if I keep drinking a bottle a night and fall asleep right away. Bah! I'm gonna invent me a no-calorie, good-tasting beer one of these days. Then I shall be the rich and the saviour of drunken dieters everywhere. Muahahahaha!

Anyway, I shall probably be reporting back on today, once I get back home. That is, unless I drink another Rolling Rock and pass out.

peace out,
mols

Day 2

This is Day 2 of my little labour of love, in case you didn't know from the title of this post. Yup, the one RIGHT above this last sentence^^. Dunno who I'm actually addressing, cos no one knows about this blog, but it's more fun to think that there's a rapt audience, hanging on my every witty word.

So I managed not to talk to him all night last night, but I, the weakling that I am, gave in this morning, as soon as I got the chance to rant about Bill O'Reilly's little expose on Brown's SPG party. Bah! It was only through Gmail though, so that means it's only the slightest of failures? :D Through it all, he admitted that he's a bit of a xenophobe. Shocker! Not being sarky there; I'm actually quite surprised (and disappointed) to know that he's not such a fan of diversity, when I've become the person I am cos of it. There wasn't much of a chance to probe into why, before he shifted the attention to someone else's flaws, as per usual, and called me a 'DIRTY LIBERAL!' :D

Work was a bit shite today, but I managed to bump into another Brown grad, who ended up being my boss for the day. Gah! Not that I have any pride, but it was odd, being given instruction from a girl who's just a year older than you. Oh, her awful awful laugh too... It's nice and hearty like, but once you hear it too much, you're ready to crack open the Canon and take a few swigs of toner. Copying shit all day means I can't wait to come home and just fuck around.

When I got off the train, I went, on a whim, into the local off licence, and it turns out that NO ONE has, in a very very long time, inquired about cider. FUCKING CIDER. Are they mad? wtf like? Tis the best! Hopefully, they'll start to carry some just for me. :D But seeing as I've only been there TWICE (and I'm Asian), they probably couldn't give a crap. So after pacing back and forth in their teeny space, I opted for a 6pack of Rolling Rock. I mean, if I'm not gonna talk to J, it's fair that I can still remind myself of him, right? :D Right now I've drunk half a bottle and it's already doing my head in. Thankfully, I carbed up with me mum's wonderful pasghetti and yummy oyster-flavoured sauce. Sounds sick, right? Well, you ain't tasted it... It's so goooood!

Tbh, all this drama with him is making me lose a bit of interest. He says that I try to pick fights with him, but often ALL I'm trying to do is to be open and share my feelings. Seriously, don't punish me for that, ho bag. He realised that he was causing the drama for once and backtracked. :P I would just like to know if this is just a phase or if it's bound to continue like this. I have all the hope in the world, and I have no problem making mistakes, but I hatehatehate iffiness. It's the uncertainty and the unknown that I despise most. I love him dearly, but I'm even willing to admit now that things just cannot continue like this. :( I don't want to tell him, cos even though *I'm* willing to go there and see for myself, he'll be a lazy bastard and end it now, so he won't have to deal with it later. Gah! Boys... Wish I was a lesbian... or a jerk. :D

Now I'm screening versions of "You'll Never Walk Alone" to figure out which to put on a mix for J. I can't get myself into books, and drinking has made me even less tolerable toward non-Harry Potter-related literature at the moment. :D I need to buckle down and start making J's prezzie or else he's in for severe disappointment. :(

Ahh well, it's time for me to return to... erm, whatever I was doing, cos I totally don't remember. Fucking alcohol. :D

the jesus to your mary,
mols

Day 1

This is day one of my experiment.

I want to wean myself off a certain man. That is, not to fall out of love with him. Not to distance myself necessarily. I'm just trying to not be obsessive. Yes, can you imagine?... It's positively my best trait, but I must stifle it, in order to make this thing work. By keeping him at arm's length, I intend to make us closer, to give him a chance to miss me, to put all this -- US -- back into perspective. I imagine he's probably surfing on his Celtic forums and hasnt even noticed that I'm not there. Bah! One day he'll learn! :D

So what are my plans to distract myself from him? Well, it's 6:57pm, and I got home from work about an hour and a half ago, and I still haven't gone on MSN! \o/ Pretty proud of myself, tbh. Small steps, Molee, small steps. I plan on reading lots. Yoga-ing lots. Drawing lots. Wanking lots, shirley. :D

I've also been emailing people loads. I used to be hyper-social... I'm just putting myself back into that space again, where I could talk to anyone and I *would* talk to everyone. It's a good feeling to know that these people haven't forgotten you, even if you'd temporarily misplaced your friendship under the sofa cushions with all the change that fell outta yer pocket. Anyway, I spoke to Amy for an hour last night and bored her to death with the details of my love life and friend life, if it can be called that. :D She's so wonderful... I miss her muchly, but she's having a wonderful life down in NY, so I'm super happy for her.

Alas, I'm off to stretch my hamstrings and contort my body into unnatural positions. Catch you on the flip side!

wuv,
me